Issues of relations between children and parents surrounded by a mass of commonplace opinions that have become banal, various stereotypes, misconceptions, and at the same time, the ideas of various fashionable theories replacing over time education. The problem of "fathers and sons" is recognized as eternal and practically insoluble, a kind of inevitability given to a person in his life. Among the advice on the "correct" upbringing, "you just need to love children" dominate. Everything is simple if you know what love is. Almost everyone knows what love is, how to properly raise children .... But why then so many unhappy families, divorces, "difficult" children and much, much more?

How many families - so many options for family relationships, although many of them have certain common qualities that allow scientists to create classifications, typologies. Each type of family relationship includes different parenting tactics, among which one dominates, is used as the main one, and the rest can be used sporadically or in the form of theoretical knowledge, ideas about them.Many of these parenting tactics are familiar from everyday life. Moreover, in raising their own children, everyone is sure that they are doing the right thing and for the good of their child, although looking at other people's relations between parents and children, almost everyone sees their shortcomings. The pattern "in someone else's eye a mote is visible, but in one's own one is not noticeable even a log" for a person's life is universal! Scientific knowledge is useful, at least in that it makes it possible to look at one's own activity, actions from another point of view, proven in scientific research.

A.V. Petrovsky identifies five tactics of family education: dictate, guardianship, confrontation, peaceful coexistence, cooperation.

1. Diktat. For this tactics characteristic is the suppression by some family members of self-esteem, independence, and the initiative of others. Family members who play the role of a dictator are characterized as despotic, authoritarian personalities. Any family member, including a child, can be a dictator in a family. It is most common in child-centric families. As a rule, this upbringing tactic is used by fathers, but in modern families, given the father’s “non-intervention” position, this tactic can also be used by the mother. The exactingness of older family members in matters of raising younger ones without trust and respect for the child turns into rude pressure, coercion.

2. guardianship. Guardianship tactics involves constant care, protection from difficulties, participation in all matters of the child's life. This hinders the development of independence, initiative and responsibility. The child is delayed in the process of his socio-psychological development, growing up, he does not strive for activities according to the principle “I myself”, but prefers the principle “let mom / dad do / help / decide”. “The problem of meeting the needs of the child and protecting him from difficulties comes to the fore for parents.”Guardianship as an educational tactic forms a dependent position of the individual. Concern for facilitating the child's life, protection from the difficulties of life, solving any life tasks for him turns into the child's inability to live independently in real life.

3. Confrontation. This educational tactics characteristic of conflict, problem families. In families in which communication between generations is of a conflict nature using a strategy of rivalry, mutual insults and irritation accumulate, the perception of other family members is distorted and more negative personality traits are attributed to them than they actually possess. The pedagogical result is manifested in the form of deformation and destruction of child-parent and family relations in general. Adult children subsequently use the tactics of confrontation and even dictatorship in relation to their aged parents.

4. peaceful coexistence. This tactic of non-interference in the affairs of other family members, including children. Everyone is isolated in their affairs, problems, difficulties and successes. Parents are often proud of their relationship with their children on the basis of non-interference in their affairs, considering this a manifestation of independence, sufficient adulthood of children. Parents believe that the tactics of non-intervention develops independence, does not constrain the freedom of the individual, creates conditions for the versatile development and self-realization of the individual. This type of parent-child relationship is based on the unwillingness of the educator to spend mental, psychological and other forces on guiding the development of the child, purposeful formation of the personality. In difficult life situations that require the help and support of other family members, everyone is left alone with them. The family eventually ceases to exist due to the lack of relationships between family members.

5. Cooperation. The tactic of cooperation is typical for parent-child relations in families that have reached the highest level in their development as a social group - the collective. The family has a unified system of value orientations, a common goal of joint activities, mutual assistance, support, openness and trust in relationships are characteristic of the relationship of family members. The presence of value-oriented unity in the family is the main spiritual and moral factor in raising children. This tactic is the most favorable for the formation of a spiritually and morally healthy personality.

In the classification of types of family education A.E. Lichko stand out tactics, which are called incorrect. Why wrong? Because they always lead to certain violations of the process of socialization of the child, the formation of a personality with any psychological disorders.

Hypoprotection.This type of upbringing is manifested by a lack of care, guardianship and control over the child's behavior. In its extreme form, it manifests itself in the form of neglect. Most often, this type is manifested in the provision of the material and physical needs of the child and lack of control over his socio-psychological, spiritual and other needs and their satisfaction. Children and adolescents are abandoned in the psychological, spiritual, moral, intellectual aspects. Hypoprotection exists in an open form, hidden and indulgent.

Hidden hypoprotectionexists in the form of formal control over the behavior of the child. It is often combined with hidden emotional rejection. The teenager feels that adults are busy with their own affairs and they are not up to him and begin to live their own lives, adapting to formal control. “It is especially unfavorable with accentuations of unstable, hyperthymic and conformal types: such teenagers find themselves in asocial companies faster than others and get used to an idle lifestyle.”

Indulgent hypoprotection It manifests itself in a combination of a lack of parental supervision with an uncritical attitude towards a violation of behavior in a teenager. “Parents ignore signals from outside about his bad behavior, are indignant at public censure, seek to justify his actions, shift the blame to others. They protect their child, by any means they try to free them from well-deserved punishments. Such upbringing cultivates both unstable and hysterical traits.This type of upbringing contributes to the formation of delinquent forms of behavior. Restrictive measures are only those that come from state (law enforcement) bodies. A personality formed with this style of education does not recognize the authority of any adults; only those based on brute force turn out to be effective means.

Hyperprotection- this is a type of improper upbringing, which involves excessive custody of the child parents. Hyperprotection exists in the form of dominant and conniving hyperprotection.

Dominant hyperprotectionmanifests itself in excessive guardianship, petty control over every action of the child. In the family there is a system of constant prohibitions and unrelenting vigilant monitoring of a teenager. All decisions are made by the parents. In this case, such unfavorable qualities for social adaptation as lack of independence, indecision, lack of initiative are formed, the ability to analyze one's own life experience, one's experiences does not develop - self-consciousness remains insufficiently developed.In hyperthymic adolescents, this type of upbringing leads to an increase in the reaction of emancipation, a rebellion against parental prohibitions, and leaving for an asocial company. With psychasthenic, sensitive and asthenoneurotic accentuation, the dominant hyperprotection has an effect that enhances their asthenic features: self-doubt, lack of independence, indecision are formed, they easily become dependent on other people.

Indulgent hyperprotectionIt manifests itself in excessive concern for meeting the needs of the child, striving to anticipate any of his desires. “The child does not know prohibitions and restrictions. And as a result, he strives to excel others in everything, although he often does not have the necessary resources for this. This naturally leads to problems in communicating with peers. The emotional sphere of children with this type of upbringing is deformed: a low level of empathy and understanding of their own emotional experiences, inadequate expressive expression of their own emotions prevent full communication with other people. “Failure leads to a surge of negative emotions, and this state can last for quite a long time. Emotional regulation is underdeveloped. Such children exaggeratedly rejoice and are surprised, defiantly sob, not paying attention to the appropriateness or inappropriateness of such a violent manifestation of emotions.

Parents with this type of upbringing admire the imaginary talents of the child, exaggerate his real abilities. The child strives to be a leader, but does not have the abilities and skills to fulfill this role. He does not develop the skills of systematic work, responsibility, independence, the volitional sphere is not sufficiently developed.

Indulgent hyperprotection enhances the hysteroid accentuation of the character, contributes to the appearance of hysteroid traits with labile and hyperthymic accentuation. With epileptoid accentuation, this type of upbringing leads to the formation of the personality of a family tyrant, capable of even physical aggression against parents.

Symbiosis- a type of improper upbringing, in which there are practically no boundaries between the mother
and a child. The mother seeks to bind the child to herself, to have the closest possible relationship with him, doing everything for him, protecting him from all dangers. Children have disturbances in the field of the emotional-volitional sphere, which manifest themselves in the difficulties of understanding their own emotions and feelings, understanding the feelings of other people. As they grow older, a symbiotic relationship with their mother leads to significant difficulties in communicating and establishing long-term relationships with members of the opposite sex, and becomes an obstacle to the formation of their own family.

Emotional rejection characterized by a lack of emotions and feelings in which love for the child is manifested. "With this type of upbringing, the child or adolescent constantly feels that they are weighed down, that he is a burden for children, that without him it would be easier for them. It has been established that emotional rejection is felt by children of a very young age and can have serious consequences up to the death of the child" .
"Hidden emotional rejection consists in the fact that parents, who did not admit this to themselves, are burdened by a son or daughter, although they drive such a thought away from themselves, they are indignant if someone points it out to them. Parents may even outwardly show exaggerated signs of attention, but the child and adolescent feel a lack of sincere emotional warmth.

When emotional rejection is combined with hypoprotection, labile adolescents seek emotional contacts with others, often antisocial people, and choose deviant forms of behavior. Such children often have a low level of intellectual development, experience learning difficulties, social and labor skills are poorly developed.

Conditions for tough relationships . This parenting style is usually combined with emotional rejection. “A tough attitude can manifest itself both openly ... and in the form of a complete disregard for the interests of the child, when he can rely only on himself, without expecting the participation of adults. ... At present, the conditions of rigid relationships in families with emotional rejection on the part of the mother, stepfather (there is usually no father), even grandparents are increasingly spreading.

Conditions of increased moral responsibility. This type of upbringing occurs in situations where parents associate the future of the child with their own unfulfilled plans and dreams. Parents make high demands on the child that are not characteristic of his age and abilities. Heightened moral responsibility also arises in situations where a child or adolescent is entrusted with adult concerns for the well-being of younger and helpless family members.Most adolescents are fairly resilient to high parental expectations or difficult responsibilities. Only with psychasthenic accentuation do psychasthenic features intensify or neurosis develops.

Among the types and tactics of education that are distinguished by modern science, there is not one that has been tested for centuries, based on the main moral values ​​of mankind and existing in families living according to Orthodox Christian rules. It is in these families that the relationship between parents and children is based on love, care and respect. The spiritual values ​​of the family determine the characteristics of the methods of education and, ultimately, the characteristics of the life of a maturing child and aging parents.

1. Andreeva T.V. Family Psychology: Textbook. 3rd ed. - St. Petersburg: Peter, 2014.