Acceptance is a buzzword in popular psychology. When we find ourselves in a difficult situation that we cannot change, we are advised to accept it. When someone quarrels with a loved one, they say to him: "accept him as he is." And of course everyone knows that self acceptance- This necessary condition, to be happy .

However, such advice most often causes only anger and indignation. self acceptance strongly associated with defeat, passivity and even despair.

"Accept this" seems to be something along the lines of "keep living the way you live and be happy with it." It's as if we're being asked to give up hope and action and convince ourselves to be content with what we have. Of course, this causes protest.

But is this really self-acceptance? What should be taken? And for what?

You have to accept reality. To understand what it is, I propose to first understand what it means NOT to accept reality. Every person and society as a whole has an idea of ​​how life works. And also ideas about right and wrong, good and bad ...

We live, focusing on a certain map of reality built by our consciousness. However, this map is just a model, somewhere greatly simplified, somewhere embellished with swords and fantasies. The place on this map is sometimes occupied not by the real life landscape, but by the stereotypical ideas that we have borrowed from society.

For example, let's take a hackneyed and already frayed idea of ​​women's happiness in various discussions.

How many times have they told the world that there is no universal recipe for being happy, that different people there may be different needs and goals, all the same, the idea that an accomplished woman is only a married woman with children is firmly rooted in society.

And often a woman, trying to understand what she wants, involuntarily compares herself with this stereotype, and evaluates her satisfaction with life not by how she feels, but by how much she corresponds to the stereotype of a happy woman. And of course, not meeting the standard can make you unhappy if there is no habit of relying on your feelings.

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“Self-acceptance - what is it and why is it not the same as defeat?»

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Questioner: I'm so tired, and I don't know what to do with the search for truth. I realized a lot, I saw a lot, and then came the disappointment. For some reason, life has stopped, I don’t want anything at all. Why such fatigue, even when I do nothing?

Stanislav: You think too much, all your problems are from the mind. Useless thinking robs you of all vitality. Fatigue arises not from searching, but from self-acceptance. You are in constant resistance, in a struggle with yourself.

B: I don't know what to do. Tell me how should I be?

C: Examine yourself, learn to recognize the game of the mind, stop creating conflicting ideas and learn accept yourself and everything is as it is.

Q: So I don't accept myself?

S: You have divided the world into "I" and "not-I" and, not accepting different parts of yourself, you are constantly fighting with yourself. How not to get tired of it?

Q: The whole world is me?

S: What seems to you the world, you create in your mind, where what seems to be your "I" is only a part of this world, which your mind, as a result of self-identification, imagines as something separate from it.

Q: What do you mean by "create peace in the mind"?

S: The way you create the world with your interpretations is the way you perceive it, and at the same time you struggle with what you don't like about it all. This is very hard and exhausting work.

Q: Do you mean the idea of ​​the world or the world in the literal sense?

S: What you consider the world is the representation. Without ideas, what seems to you the world simply will not exist.

Q: How is it? Where will he go?

S: He doesn't need to go anywhere. The world you see does not exist in reality. It manifests in your mind. When you fall asleep, the world disappears. Only thanks to your ideas the world looks the way you see it. Without you, it is completely different and has nothing similar to what you see.

Q: What about other people? I can't either comprehend or accept the fact that I'm alone, and as you say, everything happens in my mind. It turns out that there is nothing but that one in which there is everything, and this is all me, in which I invent the world and other people?

S: Others in your mind, others are another you. There is no one except you, but purely theoretically you will not be able to understand this because of the unrecognized effects of the mind that create the illusion of multiplicity.

Q: But if this is so, then why are there few good ones?

S: These are only evaluative ideas created by your own mind.

Q: Why are there so many me who cause pain and disappointment?

S: Pain and frustration arise as a result of evaluative unrecognized actions of the mind. You yourself are causing all this through your own negligence.

Q: What is the cause of suffering?

S: The cause of suffering is not in external events, but in the negative assessment of the mind, which comes from the discrepancy between what is happening and the ideas it has created about what should be. The cause of your fatigue and apathy is self-rejection.

Q: How can I accept myself?

S: Whatever is not accepted is false. It is necessary, by examining one's self, to learn to distinguish the true from the false and then discard all the false.

“The moment a person accepts himself as he is,
not evaluating or comparing yourself to others,
both the feeling of superiority and the feeling of humiliation disappear.
Tension disappears, unsuccessful attempts stop
become someone else, stress and depression go away,
that arose out of self-loathing.”

We strive so to change yourself in order to get closer to the generally accepted standards of beauty, success, that we do not pay attention to our real ones.

Even if we manage to lose weight or get better, to acquire another thing in order to correspond to a certain status in society, we find that this does not make us happier and more successful. On the contrary, inside emptiness grows.

And all because we stubbornly do not want to see ourselves as we really are, without embellishment.

The secret to positive change is complete self acceptance. But how do you accept what you don't like?

In this article, I will tell you why it is so difficult to accept yourself. You will learn the difference between acceptance and rejection and how to learn to accept yourself.

Bonus for readers:

Where does self-acceptance begin?

With acceptance of your body. Most people, even those who have embarked on the path of spiritual development, often identify themselves with the body.

This is understandable. The body is a physical object, it can be touched, seen. It is easier to identify with the body. Especially since we grew up with this understanding.

Therefore, the first thing you need to accept in yourself is the body.

How often do you take care of your body consciously, lovingly? Constantly? If yes, then congratulations. You do not need to master this stage.

But what about those who are still unable to accept the body?

You can eat healthy food as much as you like, go in for sports, have regular check-ups, but if this is done not for the sake of love, care and the process itself, but to meet some standards set inside, then this is not love for the body.

Learn listen to your body to recognize its signals. The most efficient way to accept your physical shell is .

Thank him for what you have, for helping you to realize your needs, desires.

When the body signals with pain, do not condemn it, but accept this sign, signal.

Learn how to learn to feel your inner body from the article.

I hope I helped you figure out why you can't accept yourself.

Below I offer practices that will help you get to know yourself better and learn to accept.

6 ways to learn to accept yourself

1. Track moments of rejection

Rejection comes from the need to be good, the need to please others. To track rejection states, visit in full awareness practically all the time.

Constantly ask yourself questions: “Is this what I want to do now?” “Will it do me good?”

2. Reassess Your Beliefs

One of the signs of self-rejection is self-criticism. By criticizing yourself, you kind of say that you are not what you should be, do not correspond someone's expectations.

First, figure out whose expectations and requirements they are. Where did they come from and why should you match them.

To your amazement, you suddenly find out that some of the requirements are random statements of some acquaintances or even completely strangers.

Your brain pulled them out of the context of the conversation at one time. And that may not apply to you at all. But then for some reason you remember it. And you began to adhere to this criterion.

When you want to be good for your loved ones - this is understandable, but the need to please absolutely everyone leads to losing yourself.

Conduct a thorough review of your (your?) beliefs, criteria good man, wife / husband, mother / father, daughter / son, employee, friend, etc.

Some of them will disappear after awareness. Others will have to work.

3. Keep an acceptance diary

If you find it difficult to accept yourself as a whole, accept yourself in parts. Start with individual character traits, habits, appearance.

Keep a diary of acceptance, where you describe the times when you did not accept yourself and when it happened. Track changes and reward yourself.

Do not expect that if you have not accepted yourself at all, once you start working on yourself, you will be able to accept yourself completely at once. Everything starts with small things.

Collect these grains, note the slightest changes in yourself, write them down and reread them in moments of decline, self-condemnation.

4. Practice "Who am I?"

To learn to accept yourself, do this practice.

Answer your questions:

Who am I? Am I my body? No. Am I a surname, a name? No.

Do it in a meditative state.

By consistently answering these questions, you will reach to its core. And you will understand that you are not this body, you are not Ivan Petrov or the manager of such and such a company.

You are not just a person, but something more.

You are nothing and everything at the same time. You are a spirit, a part of the general, a part of the Universe, a particle of the creator. You are the universe and you are the creator.

If you learn to track the states of non-acceptance, then at such moments remember who you are true. And then it will immediately be clear that the ego does not accept itself, and not you yourself.

You will understand that the body is just a tool, and your name, profession, belonging to a particular family, country are elements of personality. This is the role you have chosen to play.

This practice will help you accept yourself. More precisely, not himself, but this role. Because you cannot but accept your true essence.

5. Take a cue from young children

Take a closer look at how kids love themselves, rejoice in their small achievements.

When a child is just learning to walk, he does not condemn himself for having fallen. He accepts himself in this moment. This is self-love and total acceptance in its purest form.

Yes, children need a mother's love. They need it for growth and development. If it is not enough, it's like depriving a person of the sun for a long time. It seems like you can live, but slows down development.

The younger the child, the more he accepts and loves himself. Young children have not yet lost the feeling of unconditional love for themselves and everything around them.

And all because they live in the moment “here and now”. They don't live in the past and they don't live in the future. They are absorbed in the present moment.

6. Practice “Reviving Unconditional Self Love”

To accept yourself will help work with the inner child. The only difference is that we usually find our wounded aspects and heal as adults.

And here, on the contrary, a small child heals all subsequent injuries up to our present version.

Enter a meditative state. Remember yourself as a kid. Run the tape of your life back to childhood until you remember yourself as you were when you accepted yourself completely.

Just because you don't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Imagine how you would feel about yourself, how you would love yourself, if you were a kid who does not yet know what it means to be rejected.

Track these sensations and remember them. Transfer them to yourself today. Feed yourself with these feelings. Send rays of love and acceptance to those aspects of you that need it.

If you want, remember those moments of self-condemnation.

Better yet, just send the intention that you heal all your aspects of that innocent childish pure unconditional love. And anchor this state in the crystal of the Earth.

Acceptance is the first step towards discovery.

This is the beginning of positive change, self-healing, self-knowledge and gaining integrity.

By accepting, you learn tolerance towards loved ones, you gain wisdom.

Share in the comments what you have already managed to accept in yourself, and what is still not working!

Psychologist Victoria Markelova:

There is no instinctive dislike

Other people are always mirrors for us. What hurts in others, what you like madly or irritates insanely, should be read as a signal that gives information about yourself.

For example, we are terribly annoyed by a colleague who has done nothing wrong to us. Moreover, he may not pay attention to us at all, but we look at him and just lose our temper. There may be several reasons.

Victoria Markelova, psychologist. Photo from vdohnovimir.ru

Projection

Each of us has an ideal image of ourselves, which is very difficult to part with. It is not for nothing that the Gospel says that “we see a mote in someone else’s eye, but we don’t notice a beam in our own.” We don’t want to see shortcomings in ourselves, and the more we don’t like something in ourselves, the more we don’t accept it - this is how psychological defense works.

And when something constantly, inexplicably and greatly irritates us in another person, look into yourself.

For example, ambitiousness in a colleague is unpleasant for us - it is possible that we ourselves have it inside, but we do not recognize it.

And we project our unconscious onto another - it’s easier to get annoyed and angry at another than at ourselves. So we relieve tension and neutralize the conflict within ourselves. In general, we deceive ourselves.

Particular anger at “our own” someone else’s shortcoming can be explained precisely by the fact that the poor “irritant” gets both for himself and “for that guy” - we take out on him that hostility that we cannot turn against ourselves.

Of course, not everything that is unpleasant to us in other people is in ourselves. It is worth thinking about when irritation has an increased degree and is rationally inexplicable, so to speak, “instinctively”.

Envy

This is the second reason why an incomprehensible irritation may arise. . Envy is a feeling that you really don’t want to admit to yourself. It is difficult to accept that you are jealous, because it means that you lack something, that you want something, but you cannot. And then you start to get angry at a successful colleague or relative and accuse him, for example, of receiving something dishonestly, or sucking up to everyone, so he is doing well.

We get angry because we can't do it ourselves. And then even some good trait in this person begins to irritate us.

For example, ease of climbing or the ability to find mutual language with anyone - after all, it seems to us that thanks to these qualities a person received something that we cannot receive.

And now, the ease of lifting in envious eyes becomes frivolity and irresponsibility, and sociability - the ability to suck up and lie from three boxes.

The reason for envy may be that we deceive ourselves in our desires and motives. Here is an example: one person is terribly indignant that he is all so creative, and such big money, like Uncle Vasya, who is engaged in some kind of nonsense, does not earn. But Uncle Vasya's motive is to make money, and he makes them. And an indignant person has a motive - to do something with meaning, to bring good to the world. Then, it turns out, if Uncle Vasya's motive is money, and yours is good, you are simply on different planes. Are you ready to change your motive to get big money?

You need to ask yourself the question: what do you want more? Money, like Uncle Vasya, or something else? Because in this case it is a conflict: big money is not paid for light and high. And if envy and irritation go off scale, you need to deal with your motive, is it real? Or how much is in it from oneself, and how much from social roles, obligations? Or maybe a person just does not know how to make money?

trespassing

The third reason for incomprehensible hostility is our own inability to defend our borders.

For example, they say to you: “Come with me” or: “You are coming to visit me today.” Or (boss): "Stay today, work overtime!"

A person agrees, comes, stays to work, and then begins to experience great irritation with the one whom he obeyed, because he believes that he was forced.

But instead of admitting that he himself does not know how to say "no", he transfers this irritation to his tormentor. And he begins to get annoyed because he was forced, but in fact he did not want to.

It seems to be offended by the inviter is stupid - he didn’t pull it by force; I don’t want to be angry with myself that I agreed either - that’s how it turns out such a deaf hostility and desire to avoid a person to whom you cannot say “no”. As a result, the tormentor himself, who suppresses you (which, however, he himself does not even realize), and all his manifestations become unpleasant.

And this is natural, because our borders are our security, and anyone who, in our opinion, breaks through them, seems to us an invader. Therefore, it is important to protect and defend borders! Otherwise, you will continue to grow into “invaders”, rapists, and they will not understand what they have done wrong to you: they just proposed, and you simply agreed.

Forgotten problem

And, finally, the fourth reason for "instinctive dislike" is some kind of repressed trauma.

It happens that a person can not stand a certain type of people. For example, tall and thin. He cannot stand them to such an extent that he cannot even touch them without disgust - it's the same as an insect. Such things can be tied to some childhood repressed trauma. Maybe an adult, tall, thin uncle approached a little girl at the age of three and somehow frightened her. In the unconscious part of the psyche, fear remains and is fixed. Then the person grows up and no longer remembers, but this repressed, forgotten, repressed, associated with some kind of trauma or unpleasant situation, develops into such a dislike.

This can happen not only in childhood, but in adulthood something happens to us, and the psyche works in such a way that we forget it.

If it is very unpleasant, then we convince ourselves that this did not happen.

However, the image that hurt us remains, and we will feel dislike for it, without understanding why we feel it.

How to live and deal with all this

First you need to honestly admit to yourself that there really is a problem: hostility towards a person who seems to be completely undeserving of this. He does not harm us, he has no or almost no effect on our lives, but irritation or disgust towards him is present.

Awareness of the problem is the first step towards solving it, because, having realized, we seem to take the problem outside, we can look at it from the outside and understand what to do next. By the way, it’s not so easy to realize, because we are used to considering ourselves white and fluffy, and even admitting to ourselves that we are insanely angry, in general, an innocent person is hard.

Keep a diary of feelings

Second step is keeping a diary. It is necessary in writing to describe in as much detail as possible what specifically irritates in a person. We take a notebook, draw a table in three columns. The first is the cause of irritation, such as "sitting and spinning in a chair" or "insincerely laughing while talking to the boss." The second is my feeling that arises about this. Third - as an "irritant", in my opinion, should behave. We keep such a diary for at least a week, with all care.

We need to begin to analyze the issue point by point, that is, very clearly, on paper. Because when everything is only in thoughts, it scatters in all directions. It is necessary to clearly write out what specifically I do not like, what annoys me.

You need to write down all the details - not just annoying and that’s all - but you don’t like the way he talks, or fawns on the boss, or sucks up to everyone, hypocrites, puts on airs, boasts, etc.

There will be several results. First, we will pull out the feelings and emotions that previously tormented us from the inside. Secondly, we will be able to estimate for ourselves - but is there something in ourselves that irritates us so terribly. Or maybe not really, but we really want it?

In my practice, I had a very quiet and modest girl who was afraid to speak out and speak. And her colleague at work did not close her mouth. That is, she told everyone everything directly what she thought.

And the quiet girl was annoyed to the point of fainting, she called her colleague both an upstart, and conceited, and worse.

But in fact, she wanted to be able to be so decisive herself. But for a very long time she did not want to admit to herself that she also wanted to be able to behave so openly. That is, in fact, she liked the quality that her colleague had and the lack of which was so upsetting in herself.

Or another example. Let's say I'm insanely annoyed by the gossip that a person engages in at work. Then you need to track how I behave myself, and then ask: “But I don’t gossip myself?”

The first impulse is to say no. But take your time, think, and then try asking someone you trust. You have to learn to watch yourself carefully.

If the cause of irritation, hostility towards another is found and eliminated, then the irritation goes away.

When a person admits that he is also not a saint and can also gossip, be jealous, brag, etc., he becomes more tolerant of those who are also not holy. This is such a rule: the more tolerant we are able to treat ourselves and accept ourselves with shortcomings, the more tolerant we are towards others.

If I find in myself the same qualities that irritate me in another, I go to confession, and then I say: “Good. If God forgives, then why don't I forgive myself? Then I can be tolerant of the other. That is, I will treat myself with love, and I will treat others with love.

This does not mean that objectively bad deeds and manifestations should be tolerated. Love the sinner and hate the sin.

Case from private life

I had such a story.

In the parish where I worked as a psychologist, there was a lady who believed that psychology is one evil. And this lady was constantly secretly competing with me.

All the time I was hurt, provoked. I just couldn't see her.

At some point, I said: “I can’t take it anymore. I just can't take it. I see her and I'm shaking." What to do? I began to understand, to ask myself questions: “What exactly is it that annoys you? Competitiveness, well, aren't you competitive yourself? And you can't bear that someone dares to be better than you. And you want to be in the first place, to be the best, so that everyone loves and praises you. Aren't her qualities relevant to you? Yes, you are just like her! You’re just younger and you know how to behave better, so you win.”

Right at that moment, I felt better. I was taken apart by such laughter: “Well, why are you attached to this aunt? She's the same."

The task is not to kill yourself for this and not to say: “Oh, you are so terrible!”. And somehow treat with humor and say: “Okay, let's think about what we can do with it.”

From one confession, of course, I will not cease to be, for example, a competitive person, but at least my irritation has disappeared. I didn't love her, but at least I stopped hating her. I accepted in myself that it is in me and calmed down about it.

Do not seek to be friends with the "irritant"

There is a mistake many people make who want to be honest with themselves. Feeling guilty before a person for their hostility, they begin to treat the object of their dislike with exaggerated attention, deliberately trying to do something for him, trying to reverse their negativity.

To use a medical metaphor, these people are trying to carry the heavy bag of the “injured” with a broken arm. But until the hand grows together, does not get stronger in a cast, any tension for it can be detrimental. Likewise here:

until we recognize the real reasons for our dislike and understand how to overcome them, such forced friendly behavior will not bring good.

It will look hypocritical, and inside, in addition to hostility, aggression will also accumulate.

I would advise not to stick to the object of hostility, but on the contrary: step back a little and watch him. Try to understand why he behaves one way or another, what his internal reasons may be. Look at the world through his eyes, try to feel it - or, as the English say, walk a mile in his boots. Perhaps something will open up to you, after which you will no longer be able to be angry with him.

Try to know the history of the person

One of the recent examples: my daughter had a girl in her class. In the manner of behaving - as there is an upstart, an equivocal. Everywhere she climbed into the front row. I didn't like her at all. And then one day she came to me for advice, and it turned out that the situation at home is not very difficult, her parents keep her in a black body, control every breath, and when she comes to school, she compensates for all this.

And when I actually saw how hard it was for her, I realized that she was “grimacing” because she simply did not know how to express herself correctly. And I thought: for so many years I considered her a wimp, but this is actually a suffering child.

It doesn't matter if it's a child or a colleague. Sometimes you find out the history of a person and think: “Now it’s clear why he behaves this way.”

You can try to get to know a person better, look into his life, not insolently into his pain.

Try to sympathize, try to see a living person who is also suffering. This can soften our irritation.

Perhaps friendship will not work, but I believe that this is also a matter of love - to try to see the soul of a suffering person.

Acceptance of oneself, events and life in general

Psychology. How to become happier? How to accept yourself as you are? Live and enjoy your own sense of yourself and life.

Hello friends!

I am sure that the question: “How to become happier?” there is a fairly simple answer - you need to accept yourself as you are authentic, this means seeing and appreciating your merits, but even more important, which I consider much more key - is to recognize and forgive yourself for your shortcomings (your imperfection), to be able not to demand from yourself too much and not strive to your own detriment to do everything right or be good for everyone. And also, mentally reconcile with that real life, which you now have, even if it is not what you want, it is very important to remove the chaos inside.

Well, not accepting oneself is, first of all, a misunderstanding of one's true values, plus: stress, illness, all kinds of anxieties, various negative states, and complexes. It is impossible to live fully and happily without being in friendship with yourself.

Let's use examples to understand what Acceptance is. what kind of process is this.

There are several opinions. Many mean by acceptance only humility or compromise. But humility implies acceptance of something unacceptable for oneself, and it remains unacceptable for us, and we just give up before that without making any attempts to change something.

Acceptance is mainly the perception of oneself and everything that happens, the way it is, and just the way it is, without our personal assessments, as if we were looking at life and at ourselves from a distance. At the same time, it is important to understand that detachment does not mean indifference, detachment is an unbiased, relatively calm view from the outside(not distorted by emotion and desire) to what is in reality.

It is with this perception that we are able to look at life most soberly and clearly, clearly understanding and accepting everything, without regrets, anger or despondency.

Observe yourself: most of you have your own evaluative opinions. These are all the labels that you once attached to everything: people, situations, things, facts, views, etc.

But this, if you look closely, spoils your life very much. It makes you do what you don't want to do; behave as you would not like; say what you didn’t think (a) to say; hear and see only as it turns out and at the same time feel various unpleasant feelings.

By accepting yourself, you stop feel the need to evaluate yourself and perceive yourself as a kind of objective, real image that no longer needs to hide anything from yourself and others. And once you stop evaluating, then you stop judging yourself from the point of view of some of your concepts, rules and the image of your ideal self formed during your life.

If you try to live up to the ideal that you have instilled in yourself, it means endlessly comparing yourself with this image, constantly losing and constantly proving something to yourself and others. And this leads only to periodic or constant dissatisfaction with oneself, to tension, loss of strength and mood, not to mention general health and a sense of self-hatred.

And now think, is it possible to build a happy life on this foundation?

Acceptance is just the foundation and the support from which everything starts, any positive changes in life, because you stop rudely conflicting with yourself and the world around you.

With acceptance, step by step, you gradually bring all areas of your life to a certain balance, clearly realizing and taking yourself and everything around you for granted.

Starting from reality, you do not invent anything, you see what you see, and calmly perceive life as it is, without embellishment or negativism, in all its simplicity, complexity or beauty, without criticizing anything or anyone, and without indignation by turns in fate.

Each event will be perceived by you as an objective due, as part of an integral and great universe.

What can a person dislike about himself and what can he not accept? Anything can be here.

It can be behavior, character, or even the way you communicate and express your emotions. Or a person simply cannot accept what is happening to him now and the situation in which he is, and often does not accept some of his physical or moral shortcomings or everything that he does, as he thinks, is not right, but he wants to -something else, because the internal, embedded image this ideal self requires.

This is where self-punishment begins - self-criticism and self-flagellation.

For example, a person internally punishes himself for the manifestations of his natural behavior that he failed to restrain. After all, for some reasons, his vision, he does not like it or he considers this behavior to be wrong, unattractive or inconsistent with his image and his rules.

And often he looks and tries to imitate someone who is close to his inner ideal, copies him in everything and continues to do so, because he sincerely believes that it will be better for him, so he will look more profitable in the eyes of others and the opposite sex so he will be more successful.

In fact, a person can be freed from something only if when you deeply and sincerely accept yourself and everything that he represents in reality will open his soul for himself and others.

He will also accept the current position in which he is, accept his “flaws” and calm down. He will learn to be content with what he is and what he is, and then it will be possible to do something more using his strengths and gradually correcting his weaknesses somewhere (developing himself).

And it is your natural, natural essence, which you may have been blocking for a long time, that will bring you relaxation, happiness and more success in life. Only she is able to allow you to open up and realize yourself as much as possible.

Of course, to accept yourself or something else that does not suit you is sometimes very difficult and often it is also scary.

But there are many things in life where you need to act despite fear. It is always scary for everyone to turn the page of life and start all over again without any guarantees. It is scary to take risks and put everything at stake in order to achieve your big goal. It is scary to enter a dark room when you do not know what is hidden in it.

How to accept yourself and become happier.

How to accept yourself, all of yourself, such as you are and remove the internal blocks that prevent you from living a happy life?

First of all, you must learn to observe yourself (I often write about this, because it is really very important), observe your behavior, your actions, thoughts and feelings in order to understand yourself and your contradictions. Observe and notice yourself at those moments when you begin to experience inner discomfort, and try (without tension) calmly understand these moments - what you just did, thought or said, why you did it exactly, what thoughts and feelings made you and what causes you internal tension.

Having understood what’s what (it often takes time), tell yourself something like this: “Yes, I admit that I have this in me, yes, I am like that.” That is, first you need to remove the cause of your internal conflict and calm down. And for this it is important to be honest with yourself and admit that you are experiencing some fears and some desires and aspirations that are unacceptable to you, that you have some moral weaknesses and that you sometimes act and say things that are not what they wanted.

Eg, with your behavior, manner of communication, that ostentatious mask that you may habitually use in life, you are trying to defend yourself or are trying with might and main to attract people's attention, convince them that you meet their expectations, or just try to please everyone to recognize you, but deep inside, at the same time, you feel that this is not you real. And, moreover, many deceive themselves, not recognizing what they are doing all this for, what they are trying so hard for. Because of this, internal contradictions arise, disbelief in oneself (in one's true essence), a lack of understanding of one's true desires, a struggle with oneself (or with others) and constantly mixed with irritation and anxiety.

We are so used to pretending to others that we end up pretending to ourselves.

François de La Rochefoucauld

Therefore, you must first recognize and accept EVERYTHING in yourself, both good and bad. sincerely and unconditionally so that you can do something about it later. That is, accept everything that you may not like about yourself, that now does not fit into your moral principles, but if there is something there, then it is there.

And it is pointless to try to deceive yourself, you can deceive others for a while, you can constantly deceive your consciousness, but you can’t deceive your deepest essence.

And if at first you are afraid, then gradually the anxiety will go away, dissatisfaction with yourself will dissolve, you will become happier, more will appear, and you will understand that you were right, that you are on the right path.

Observe, study yourself, notice all this in yourself and, in small steps, remove masks and simulated behavior from your life. And you will get more of what you want from others. And most importantly, more and more people close to you in spirit will begin to surround you, and these will be exactly those who you need.

How to get rid of your assessments of people?

Catch in the daily, life situations when you evaluate someone , in terms of self-comparison, and also calmly remove these moments with your sound reasoning or simply diverting attention to the side, but without tension, smoothly.

Remember that this only harms you and makes you look for flaws in yourself. These are the thoughts that just get in the way of your life.

And in no case do not blame yourself - if something does not work out; if you, having forgotten, again began to think in the old way, this will be the biggest mistake. All this takes time and patience, you just need to eliminate the habit of thinking about it and focusing on attention.

Just do it slowly, and without violence against yourself, otherwise nothing will work out.

Meditation will also help you with this.

There is nothing supernatural in it, it is just inner work on oneself at the subconscious level. Meditation allows you to work out internal attitudes, remove blocks, restore the body and understand where everything comes from, how thoughts, emotions and sensations arise.

If there are a lot of shortcomings or what you consider shortcomings, write them down point by point in a notebook and work with each one separately. Don't rush, there's no need to rush here.

The word “must” sometimes irritates me, because very often you only hear “must, must and must”, but this is one of those moments when it is NECESSARY to do this, accept everything as it is, accept the real one with all the shortcomings, accept the current situation (even if this is not what you want), and only after that, having calmed down, begin to move towards your dreams.