The Psychology of Bad Habits by Richard O'Connor

This book is for those who are frustrated, no longer expect any help, and feel doomed to forever "score their own goals." It is for those who know that sometimes they are their own worst enemy and cannot control themselves. Richard O'Connor, a well-known psychotherapist and PhD, explains why it is so difficult to fight bad habits, shows the duality of our personality and suggests ways to train the involuntary part of our brain, weaning it from destructive habits and changing our behavior for the better.

Published in Russian for the first time.

Quotes

You can't always get what you want. Some disappointments must be accepted, and some must be compensated. Feeling hurt or angry that life doesn't live up to your unrealistic expectations is a waste of time."

We all prefer to remember the times we did the right thing and forget the times we were wrong. So we can't learn from our own experience.

It turns out that when we attribute a value to something greater than its initial value, this fact affects our expectations and, to a large extent, affects our entire life.

transcript

2 Richard O'Connor The Psychology of Bad Habits Copyright © The Psychology of Bad Habits / Richard O'Connor; per. from English. A. Logvinskaya; [scient. ed. A. Logvinskaya].: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber; Moscow; 2015 ISBN Abstract This book is for those who are frustrated, no longer expect any help, and feel doomed to forever "score their own goals." It is for those who know that sometimes they are their own worst enemy and cannot control themselves. Richard O'Connor, renowned psychotherapist and Ph.D., explains why it's so hard to break bad habits, shows the duality of our personality and suggests ways to train the involuntary part of our brain, weaning it from destructive habits and changing our behavior for the better. Published in Russian for the first time.

3 Contents This book is well complemented by: 5 From the author 6 Chapter 1 9 In the brain 14 In the mind 17 Chapter 2 22 The world as we see it 24 Hopes create our world 25 End of introduction. 29 comments 3

4 Richard O Connor The Psychology of Bad Habits Richard O Connor Rewire Change Your Brain to Break Bad Habits, Overcome Addictions, Conquer Self- Destructive Behavior Science Editor Anna Logvinskaya Published with permission from Richard O Connor, PhD, c/o Levine Greenberg Literary Agency and Synopsis Literary Agency Legal support for the publishing house is provided by Vegas Lex law firm. Richard O Connor, PhD, 2014 Russian translation, Russian edition, layout. LLC "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2015 * * * 4

5 This book is complemented well: Pump yourself up! John Norcross, Christine Loberg and Jonathon Norcross Psychology positive changes James Prochaska, John Norcross, Carlo di Clemente The Rules of the Brain John Medina The Depression Is Abolished Richard O'Connor From St. Paul's Epistle to the Romans: "For I do not understand what I do: because I do not what I want, but what I hate, I do" 5

6 Author's Note I am a psychotherapist with over thirty years of experience and the author of several books that I can be proud of. I have studied many theories regarding human consciousness and psychopathology, and many methods of psychotherapy. But looking back on my career, I understand how limited human capabilities are. Many people come to a therapist because they "block their way" in many ways: they undermine their best attempts to achieve what they want, and do not see how they themselves create barriers to love, success and happiness. It takes painstaking therapeutic work to understand exactly what they are doing to themselves. But even more effort is needed to help them behave differently. And of course, I notice the same traits in myself, for example, bad habits that I seemed to get rid of a long time ago. To our chagrin, we always remain ourselves. Self-destructive (self-destructive) behavior is a universal problem, but professionals do not pay enough attention to it, and rare books describe it. This is probably because most theories interpret self-destructive actions as symptoms of a deeper problem: addiction, depression, or personality disorder. But a lot of people who can't stop getting in their own way don't get a standard diagnosis. Too often, behavior drags us into a hole that we cannot crawl out of, with all the understanding that this makes us insignificant. There are also stereotypes of self-destructive behavior that we are not aware of, but repeat over and over again. As a rule, most of the work in psychotherapy is devoted to recognizing such stereotypes. So, the bottom line is that there are certain things that live inside of us. powerful forces who resist change, even when we clearly see that it is favorable. Bad habits are hard to get rid of. Sometimes it even seems that we have two brains: one wants only good, and the other is desperately resisting in an unconscious attempt to maintain the state of things. New knowledge about how our brain works makes it possible to understand this duality of personality, give guidance for action and hope that we will be able to overcome our own fears and internal resistance. Psychotherapists help a lot of people, but there are still too many dissatisfied clients who did not get what they came for. This book is for those who are frustrated, who no longer expect any help, who feel doomed to "score own goals" forever. It is for those who have never thought about therapy, but know that sometimes they are their own worst enemy, and these people are most likely the majority on the planet. There are many reasons to find hope now. When combined, the various fields of psychology and brain science can give you a guide to freeing yourself from any self-destructive habits that interfere with your life. Internet Addiction Overeating Social Isolation Gambling Blatant Lies Sedentary Self-Sacrifice Self-Destructive Behavior Patterns 6

7 Overwork (from overwork) Suicidal acts Anorexia/bulimia Inability to express oneself Video game and sports addiction Stealing and kleptomania Inability to prioritize (too many tasks on the to-do list) Attraction to the “wrong” people Avoiding opportunities to express one’s talents Tendency to stay in unfavorable situations ( work, relationships) Antisocial behavior Passive-aggressive behavior Inability to handle money; mounting debts, inability to save Self-medication Cruel, selfish, thoughtless behavior Self-mutilation Chronic disorganization Stupid pride Avoidance of attention Perfectionism Inability to start looking for a job Toadying; manipulative behavior in order to gain love Excessive standards (of self or others) Fraud, stealing Procrastination (procrastination) Neglect of one's own health Alcohol or drug abuse Chronic tardiness Inattention to others Poor sleep habits Inattention Inability to relax Smoking Unwillingness to ask for help Silent suffering Addiction to fashion Promiscuity; casual sex without relationships Pointless battles with people in power TV addiction Excessive shyness Risk-taking Shopping as a cure for depression Addiction computer games Tendency to vagrancy, begging Increased anxiety Sex addiction Choice of the role of a martyr Action on a bet Tendency to dangerous driving 7

8 Shoplifting Sexual degradation Tendency to ruin things just when everything is going well Stubbornness beyond common sense Excessive hoarding 8

9 Chapter 1 Two Different Brains Most of us repeat the same mistakes too often, getting bogged down in bad habits, and few understand why. Procrastination, lack of initiative, irresponsibility, lack of concentration, smoking, overwork, sleep disturbance, shopping as a treatment for depression, Internet addiction, anything, up to drug addiction and deliberate self-mutilation. In general, we know what we are doing with ourselves, and we promise ourselves to change. Undoubtedly, we try to make this effort often enough, but it is difficult to cope with habits. And each time, making unsuccessful attempts, we criticize ourselves more and complain about helplessness. Such self-destructive habits become a constant source of unnecessary suffering. Habits extend to all areas of life: from refusing to brush your teeth to attempting suicide, from gastronomic addiction to complete inertia, from deliberate actions to unconscious ones. Bad habits like procrastination, overeating, or not exercising seem like a natural part of human nature. And even if they do not go too far, they are not very annoying, they still make you feel guilty and “eat off” a piece of your own self-esteem. Feelings of guilt serve as leverage when something needs to be changed. But most often it is not possible to change, and then the guilt becomes an unnecessary burden that we put on our shoulders. Other bad habits may interfere with our work and public life: Avoiding the limelight, lacking self-confidence, procrastinating, staying in a bad job, or continuing a failed relationship. We can also fill our lives with things that directly affect our well-being: drinking, drug use, self-mutilation, crime, fighting, eating disorders. We tried many times to stop, because at first glance it seems that it is as easy as shelling pears. But knowing perfectly well what is good and what is bad, we continue to choose the latter. So why can't we deal with it? In addition to the inability to do the right thing, there are also many destructive habits that are not even recognized as such, such as reckless driving, frivolity, inability to listen, neglect of one's health. Many of these types of unconscious destructive behavior play out in the realm of relationships. Sometimes I feel dread build up in me: for example, when I see a married couple, where one partner turns himself on to say the “those” words that will cause a guaranteed explosive reaction in the other. This is not anger: the words are supposed to be evidence of understanding, but at the same time betray its complete absence. A desperate feeling grows in the other partner that he is not understood. Like those unfortunate spouses, we often follow an unconscious script that leads to completely wrong words or actions, so we cannot understand why we are wrong. People who can unconsciously be destructive to themselves abuse drugs; no one is considered or, on the contrary, they are too selfless; they have bad relationship with others; they don't know how to manage money. At times, we can recognize the problem, but we are unable to recognize our share in it. We just realize that we don't have close friends or that we're always in trouble at work. However, the reasons for such self-destructive behavior may be the result of our having two areas of consciousness that do not correlate well with each other. They give conflicting advice, usually beyond the threshold of awareness, and we often make choices that are not at all different.

10 thinking. In short: it seems that we have a thoughtful, conscious and reflective self, but at the same time there is also an “involuntary self” that does its job without attracting our attention. "Conscious Self", of course, can make mistakes, but all the troubles fall on our head through the fault of the "involuntary Self". It is guided by motives and prejudices that we are not aware of: this is our internal choice, it does not correspond to reality. These are old habits of living a certain way and experiencing feelings that we try to deny. The "involuntary self" controls our behavior to a large extent, especially when it comes to spontaneous actions. The Conscious Self steps in when we give ourselves the trouble to think about our choices, but it can only focus on one thing at a time. In the meantime, we make many decisions, for our own pleasure and for our sorrow. The "involuntary self" makes you greedily eat potato chips while the "conscious" is busy with something else. The conscious brain is wired to check facts and correct involuntary reactions when they lead to adverse outcomes. But the truth is that consciousness has much less control over our actions than we would like to believe. The trick to overcoming self-destructive behavior is not to rely on the strengthening of the "conscious self" in the hope of better self-control, although this sometimes helps. Rather, we should train our "involuntary self" to make wiser unconscious decisions, not be distracted by trifles, avoid temptations, see ourselves more clearly in this world and interrupt impulsive reactions before they bring us trouble. In the meantime, our consciousness will do its job, providing a chance to better know ourselves and those traits that we preferred to hide from ourselves, expanding our knowledge of the world and teaching us to view ourselves with compassion precisely in the process of acquiring the skills of self-discipline. Thus, when we do something that we later regret, most of the time our “involuntary self” is active, and no part of the brain considers the consequences. Sometimes the "involuntary self" is motivated by the desire to protect some aspects of the mind that remain unconscious; at times it is simply emotional deafness, laziness or distraction. But, as you will see, revealing our unconscious motives, habits, and pretense is not so hopeless. This requires self-awareness, the training of certain skills that we do not naturally possess. This is the topic that the book is mainly devoted to. It would seem, who needs this in an era of quick fixes, when drugs are supposed to cure us instantly? But if you've been struggling with these habits for most of your life (and who's to say?), you know there are no quick fixes. We are constantly returning to our old habits, as if caught in a "magnetic beam". So have patience as I explain how to find the core of your self-destructive habits and learn to control the hidden forces that make you do unwanted things. Our conversation will force us to face the bitter truth about ourselves, but in doing so, we will discover a way for ourselves to achieve a much more successful, productive and happy life. Thus, the struggle with self-destructive forms of behavior is a big test. However, there is reason for optimism: a new scientific idea has emerged about the plasticity (variability) of the brain, which claims that life experience affects its physical growth and change. New brain cells are constantly being formed; with the acquisition of knowledge, new connections between cells are also formed. Neurophysiologists now know that bad habits have a physical embodiment in the structure of the brain; they create a vicious cycle when we face temptation. Depression burns joy receptors; anxiety creates a trigger. But today we also know that for the 10

11 Creating a healthy life cycle can "replace the wiring" in the brain. Scientists observe these processes using new methods of tomographic research. Patients tormented by intrusive thoughts can see their brains change as they learn to control their thought process. Making healthy habits becomes easier; joy receptors are regenerated, and anxiety goes away. It takes consistency and practice, but it's achievable. People think they don't have willpower, but willpower is not something we have or don't have, like eye color. It is an acquired skill, like the ability to play tennis or type on a computer keyboard. You just need to train your nervous system how we train our muscles and reflexes. We have to go to the “gym”, not for physical but for mental exercises, each time to practice alternative forms of behavior, and each time it will get easier and easier. Why we do things that harm us is one of the great mysteries of the human mind. And this is a rather controversial secret, since most of our actions are motivated by things that give pleasure, make us proud, love, cause a feeling of superiority. Such strivings, driven by the desire for satisfaction, underlie the pleasure principle, and it explains much of human behavior. Then why do we sometimes do things that will obviously make us feel bad and take us away from the desired results? In the old days, this question was answered unpretentiously: devilish machinations, sins, a curse, the evil eye, a demon beguiled or any other evil that controls our lives. IN modern world, practically devoid of prejudice, there is no explanation for this. Freud had to invent the death instinct (Thanatos), the primal force within us that leads to destruction 1. As a result, this idea was abandoned for lack of scientific arguments. Jung's shadow concept of parts of ourselves that we reject and continue to influence our choices seems to be more fruitful. Undoubtedly, there are things that bring short-term pleasure at the cost of long-term suffering: overeating, gambling, drinking. But we still believe that painful experiences can teach us to change bad habits more quickly. However, there is this pattern: after many years of successfully controlling self-destructive behavior, something can move us, and we again find ourselves where we started. I don't claim to have solved the mystery of self-destructive behavior, but I have found that most often it can be explained by a relatively small set of scenarios that tend to repeat themselves. Such scenarios are either the product of an ulterior motive that tempts us, or the result of developing situations that lead to a sad ending. It's like a tragic play that you watch, horrified that everything is heading towards its inevitable end. The motives, feelings and thoughts behind all this are usually beyond our understanding, that is, unconscious, except for moments of deep mental work or therapy. However, they are not hidden so far that when you read about them, you cannot immediately recognize your own scenarios. We may not be aware of these patterns 2, but our best friends and loved ones often see them well in action because the distance allows them to be objective. Soci- 1 In psychoanalysis, the concept of Thanatos (the god of death in ancient Greek mythology) and the term itself was introduced by the Austrian psychoanalyst Wilhelm Stekel. The consolidation and spread of the concept is largely associated with the work of the Austrian psychoanalyst Paul Federn, a student of Sigmund Freud. In Freud's writings, the concept of Thanatos was not used, although, according to some evidence, Freud repeatedly used it orally to denote the instinct of death, destruction and aggression postulated by him, which is opposed by the Eros instinct of sexuality, life and self-preservation. Hereinafter, the notes of the scientific editor and translator, unless otherwise indicated. 2 Pattern (eng. pattern from lat. patronus model, role model, pattern) is a stable, context-based repetition by a person of his own behavior or thinking to achieve certain results; stereo 11

The 12th norms prescribe not to tell us about it. And in any case, we will not listen to them. In therapy, these patterns appear only after a close examination of the mechanisms of our unhappiness. But you will also become well aware of your patterns as you read this book. And when that happens, remember that each scenario provides a chance to understand something that is hidden from us. Awareness of misplaced rebellion requires acknowledging the role of emotions in our lives and understanding why we neglect their messages. In coping with the fear of recognition, we must develop awareness skills that will then help in many aspects of life. Overcoming self-destructive patterns requires a deep understanding of ourselves. This is a very difficult task, because there are huge, harmful forces behind our destructive behavior. And if it was easy to do, we would have stopped a long time ago. Other than that, most of us would like to cross out only the truly egregious self-destructive acts: “Otherwise, we are fine, Thanks a lot". It is quite natural that we are afraid of big changes, and we rather want help in small indulgences to bad habits. We tend to view the symptoms as something foreign that can be eliminated if the right medicine or scalpel is found. We desperately resist realizing that these habits are deeply ingrained in us, but that is how they became part of our character. Habits are always the outward manifestation of complex internal conflicts or they may discover the existence of prejudices, delusions, and feelings that we were not even aware of. Most importantly, as bad habits develop, our character becomes distorted. We have to justify them logically and deceive ourselves in the nature of our own actions and harm. And there is simply no way to stop bad habits (apart from smoking, which is nothing more than an addiction) without understanding what it means to us and what it does to us. If you have ever learned skills that require practice, such as typing or driving, you can use the same methods to get to know yourself and overcome your harmful and unwanted behavior. Scenarios of self-destructive behavior: the influence of unconscious beliefs and delusions, simply wrong or wrong in a given context; unconscious fears of success, independence, love; passivity; lack of initiative; refusal to acknowledge that we have the power to change; habitual protest against interference; unconscious self-hatred; obsessive passion for gambling; a game with limits to see how you get away with it; a dream of someone who can take care of us and stop us; the belief that generally accepted rules do not concern us; the feeling that we have done our best and there is no need to try anymore; addiction. Each scenario can lead to certain behavioral patterns ranging from relatively mild ones, such as procrastination or disorganization, to severe ones, such as self-mutilation or drug addiction. In my experience, the severity of the consequences has almost no effect on the degree of difficulty in getting rid of them. typical behavioral response or sequence of actions; the basic unit of the unconscious. 12

13 Another side of the problem is that people may have the same forms of self-destructive behavior, but each follows different scenarios for their implementation. Same behavior but different reasons. If I procrastinate most of the time because I don't like being told what to do, Joe might do the same because he secretly hates himself and doesn't believe he can succeed. Jane can be slow because she worries about how possible success will change her life, while Jackson takes his time: he is so convinced of his talents that he can afford to leave everything to the last minute. People may exhibit the same patterns of behavior, but this does not mean that they have the same motives and benefits. If you want to control your bad habits, it is vital to understand the script you are following. True, understanding alone is not enough. You will have to acquire new skills and habits that will be more effective in achieving your goals. For example: mindfulness, self-control, the fight against fears, release from guilt and many others, described in detail in the following chapters. At the end of each chapter, you will find exercises to practice these new skills regularly. They must be carried out until they become second nature to you. None of them seems difficult, however, you need to stock up on patience and perseverance so as not to shy away from this practice. The process will become easier when you start to really benefit from it. But even after a while, you will still have kickbacks, returns to your previous positions. In my understanding, kickbacks are caused by mysterious forces that sabotage our best efforts when we are already on the verge of victory. The hard truth is that most of our self-reforming efforts (even those that are initially very successful) fizzle out after two years and throw us back where we started. We diet and lose about 20 kilos, but then a bad week comes and everything goes down the drain. In just a few months, we are gaining all the kilograms back. We fought so hard to lose as a result, and this defeat only convinces us of our own helplessness. We cannot deal with such a rollback by doing the usual things; you will have to change some basic ideas about yourself and some habits that have not yet been perceived as part of the problem. So, overcoming bad habits is far from simple task, especially those that accompany us for many years. But if you look at the latest scientific discoveries will become much easier. 13

14 In the Brain Neuroscientists have proven that simply by practicing good habits, the brain changes and develops in response, making it easier to follow those habits. When we do something constantly, concentrating our attention on it, nerve cells create new material connections between themselves. For example, there is a certain nerve center A (it is responsible for the intention to go to the gym) and nerve center B, which regulates the duration of the intention: it gives a signal to stay in the gym until you have done all the exercises. Centers A and B are developing new connections with increased opportunities for receiving and disseminating information. As a result, training in the gym becomes a habit and gets a physical embodiment in the brain. Neurons firing at the same time form new contacts. We forget about pain, suffering, everything that can distract us, and just do it. And every time we do it, it gets easier and easier. A few years ago, scientists taught a group of college students how to juggle using entirely new methods to monitor their brains as they acquired skills. Within three months of daily practice, the participants' brains showed visible gray matter growth. Then for three months the students were forbidden to practice juggling, and the growth stopped. And what will happen in the brain in three months if you cope with the harmful patterns of your behavior in thinking, feelings, actions? Three months of continuous study is a long time, more than we would like, when we are waiting for major changes in our lives. We not only want to get rid of excess weight We expect that in three months we will no longer experience such hunger as before. If we break the habit of gambling or drinking, we expect that after three months there will be no temptation to gamble or drink at all. Perhaps these are unrealistic expectations, however, you do not expect that in just three months you will become professional jugglers. We have to give ourselves a lot more time, we have to practice more to make our wishes come true. It is possible that relapses partly occur when we are sure of complete victory, although in fact we are still in the middle of the road. According to some reports, the brain changes much faster (and this remains a mystery) than the "juggling" study shows. Volunteers participated in the experiment of Alvaro Pascual-Leone, professor of neurophysiology at Harvard Medical School. He gave them a task: for five days for two hours to play the piano with one hand, and then studied the activity of their brains. The scientist found that in just five days, the motor cortex, which is responsible for the activity of the fingers, increased and reformed. Then he divided the participants into two groups: some continued the exercises for another four weeks, while others stopped the exercises. In volunteers who stopped playing, the changes in the motor zone disappeared. But the most surprising thing was that there was a third group that performed the same exercises mentally: during the experiment, the fingers of the subjects remained motionless. After five days, the third group showed almost the same changes in motor areas as those in participants who really practiced on the keyboard. So there was experimentally proven evidence that the brain begins to change almost immediately on the background of exercise, and it does not matter, real or mental. However, these changes disappear if we stop practicing. The fact that the brain responds to mental training in exactly the same way as physical training suggests that your internal pep talks, mindfulness efforts, thought control, and willpower, all of which we will be discussing, will achieve the desired effect. 14

15 The discovery of physical changes in the brain as a result of the acquisition of new life experience seems to be the biggest news in the psychology of recent decades. Now neurophysiologists know that all habits have a physical embodiment in the structure of the brain. Early paths are laid in childhood and adolescence. As we get used to bad habits, they turn into train tracks and become the only line that takes us from point A to point B from stress to relief. But we don't recognize that there are healthier, more direct ways to achieve our needs, so when we're stressed, we start drinking or overeating or getting into fights or getting depressed, all without realizing we've made the decision; our habits function outside of consciousness. These are the forces at work in relapses, which is why it is so hard to break bad habits: they are imprinted in the brain. Harmful patterns do not disappear when we start practicing more favorable behaviors, they simply become obsolete and just as easily return later. When we lay new paths, we do not destroy the old ones, but simply let them grow with grass, “rust” but remain. For example, we have been eating junk food for years. And now they began to follow a diet in the hope of losing five kilograms in two weeks. But if it didn’t work out, we get discouraged and quit the diet. However, it would never occur to us to expect that we can learn to play the guitar in a few weeks, or to speak foreign language, or start typing like a typist. After all, we know perfectly well what needs to be done to change, and this is the only reason why the situation seems so simple. And we expect to overcome the habits acquired over the years of life within a few weeks. As the members of Alcoholics Anonymous say, "Just because it's easy doesn't mean it's easy." Habits die hard. Each time we acquire a bad habit, we make it easier for ourselves to get into it in the future. But at the same time, every time we acquire a good habit, we get a greater likelihood of returning to it. We can learn to program our brains in ways that make it easier and more natural to right choice and exercise willpower. Concentration of attention and relentless practice will change the "reward system", and then bad habits will lose their appeal: they will be replaced by new, creative forms of behavior. An important consequence of these discoveries is that acquired knowledge is not lost. Trying to get rid of bad habits (eat right, do morning exercises, be persistent), on one of the bad days, we easily slide back. At this moment, we can give up and feel that we have wasted our strength, but this is not so. Every day of good practice leaves traces in the brain: after a fall, we can sit back in the saddle and expect that it will soon become easier, and, as before, satisfaction will come. New methods of brain scanning have led to another revolutionary discovery: nerve cells are constantly renewing themselves. Until recently, the main doctrine of neurophysiology was based on the fact that nerve cells do not form in adults. In fact, it was believed that since childhood we only lose them. We now know that the brain is constantly creating new cells. Deep in the brain, there are colonies of rapidly dividing stem cells that are able to migrate and replace any specialized nerve cells. We also know that learning stimulates their division. With conscious or unconscious learning, the growth and enrichment of connections between nerve cells occurs. The practical application of new knowledge strengthens the connections between new and old cells. We believed that our qualities (intelligence, morality, principles) are somehow laid down with early years. They can develop, weaken and turn into something perverted or become stronger and more beautiful. Everything depends on our experience. 15

16 As revealed in the course of therapy, most of the problems exist in us long years maybe even from adolescence or childhood. This suggests that conventional problem-solving methods, if they had a positive effect on our self-destructive behavior, no longer help. This means that we will have to give up some of the ways in which we fight our negative behavior: it happens that they become part of the problem. 16

17 Consciously Self-destructive behavior is almost impossible to explain without resorting to the concept of split personality, according to which the motives and feelings that we hide from ourselves sometimes work against our best interests. Without this concept, such behavior is inexplicable, just as it is impossible to explain the movement of the planets of our solar system, neglecting the existence of the gravitational force of the Sun. Our "involuntary self" and our "thinking self" influence each other with great force, usually outside of consciousness, which can result in a lot of unnecessary suffering. The "Conscious Self" is mainly located in the neocortex (neocortex): this is how evolution separated humans from animals. The neocortex is the part of the brain responsible for intentional actions. His work reflects our experience and, hopefully, allows us to make thoughtful decisions about what is good for us and what to avoid. Unlike the unconscious, consciousness is more open to new information and is able to be flexible in its reactions. It allows you to remain calm, predict actions, plan for the future and not give impulsive reactions to current events. This part of the brain is responsible for our beliefs about ourselves. We like to think that we are in charge of ourselves and live life in full consciousness. However, in reality, our decisions and beliefs are heavily dependent on unconscious processes. One of the world-changing ideas was Freud's theory of the unconscious over a hundred years ago. Now his concept of the unconscious has become part of our ideas. When we forget someone's name or miss an appointment, we think: wasn't this "Freudian repression"? Nowadays, we already know for sure that we deny or suppress unpleasant facts and memories. We see others defending themselves in a similar way. We believe that no one can fully understand the motives of their actions. And despite the fact that most of Freud's psychoanalytic methods are a thing of the past, the idea of ​​the unconscious is constantly changing our understanding of ourselves. Now our understanding of the unconscious has become much broader than Freud's theory (see Fig. 1). The unconscious includes motor skills, perception, and systems prior to the development of consciousness. It includes many things that are never repressed, but are assimilated without the participation of consciousness, such as prejudice or pessimism. It also includes much of social psychology, namely how our attitudes shape our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. A lot of interesting things about the human mind - judgments, feelings, motives pass by consciousness due to efficiency, and not because of repression from it. 17

18 Fig. 1. Daniel Kahneman's Model of Consciousness 3 , Nobel laureate, who developed behavioral economics, calls this system 1 of thought and considers it lazy, since habits are devoid of creativity. Timothy Wilson 4 defines this as the adaptive unconscious in his excellent book Strangers to Ourselves. But I prefer the involuntary I. We can, if we want, focus our consciousness on the "involuntary I", although this immediately complicates our life. Imagine that while walking you will begin to concentrate on every movement of the muscles. Throughout the day, we are 99% dependent on the "involuntary self", and in general it is trustworthy. On the other hand, the "conscious self," what Kahneman calls System 2, is ready to come into play immediately. This happens when we are faced with a difficult problem, a moral dilemma, or when we are being cautious; if we care about how we look in the eyes of other people. 3 Daniel Kahneman (b. 1934) Israeli-American psychologist, 2002 Nobel Prize winner in economics, one of the founders of the psychological economic theory(behavioral finance), which combines economics and cognitive science to explain the irrationality of a person's attitude to risk in decision-making and in managing their behavior. 4 Timothy Wilson is a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, a social psychologist, and a well-known researcher in the fields of self-knowledge, positive psychology, and social cognition. 18

Nov 19 I. Then the mind begins to understand that suffering is caused by actions that we were not aware of. The Freudian unconscious is now seen as part of a larger "involuntary self" consisting only of repressed feelings unacceptable to consciousness. It has another side, which I call the allowable world, which includes our basic ideas about the structure of the world, conscious and unconscious. These are such individual lenses through which we view the world around us. Our race, social stratum, gender, nationality is a given with which we were born and which affects our views. Most of the information we unconsciously receive from parents and through childhood interactions, such as attitudes towards learning, problem solving, knowledge, skills and expectations, compassion and competition, control and freedom, nobility and self-centeredness. None of us is able to see the world objectively, while everyone tends to consider himself more objective than standing next to him. Such a perception of the world is formed from the cradle and leads to a certain distortion of reality. Therefore, the admissible world of each turns out to be unique, although some may be more objective than others. In addition to the Freudian unconscious and permissible world, there are also the most important foundations of our ideas about ourselves: learning style; personality; involuntary reactions in familiar situations; acquired skills that we don't think about (such as walking or talking). The "involuntary self", like a well-oiled computer, is able to perform many tasks simultaneously without much effort. However, it does not know how to cope with something unknown or alien, it requires the work of consciousness. However, we have a strong tendency to equate unfamiliar things with our own programmed beliefs when system 2 dumps responsibility on system 1. We then respond to the new situation using old habits. A snake in the grass is like a garden hose until it crawls. The "involuntary self" solves the problem by relying on intuition and past experience. We want to rely on gut feelings, but they are not always reliable. Some go even further, insisting that all our actions are dictated by unconscious processes, and thinking only explains our actions after the fact. I don't think this idea is productive, but it is true of our choices and actions, which are indeed much more dependent on unconscious processes than we would like to think. Scientists have re-evaluated intuition and foreboding. At times, unconscious knowledge can be more accurate than complex emotional and rational consciousness. People are doomed to face risk, and they recognize an inner sense of danger at the time of its occurrence. One of the most common ways of self-destructive behavior is to outwit yourself in this moment. The problem is that the inner feeling can also be very wrong. It may require us to be aggressive with those who have offended us, but we must rely on reason to curb our feelings. For most of us, the "involuntary self" is characterized by viscosity and resistance to new useful information. False beliefs about ourselves, other people, and reality lead us to choices that unintentionally cause destructive consequences. A simple example is the common belief of a player that if a certain number (in a dice or in a lottery) has not fallen out for some time, it must fall out soon, which means that this is a “sure win”. In fact, each roll of a die or spin of a lotto wheel is completely independent of what preceded it. More serious false beliefs lead to prejudice, racism, sexism. But at the same time, if we quickly recognize what is convenient for us, we are much more likely to be influenced than we would like.

20 would. The infamous experiment of Stanley Milgram 5, in which the subjects were ready to hurt other people and give them even life-threatening electric shocks, just because a man in a white coat was standing nearby who told them to do it, can serve as evidence. "Involuntary Self" is also subject to the influence of motives and desires that are outside of our consciousness. The main motive of these is the maintenance of self-esteem. We tend to believe that we are pure in heart, that we always do the right thing, that we are above average in almost everything. To be sure, this is simply statistically impossible and actually a comforting self-deception. We have a million different little habits that keep us in this comfort zone and justify ourselves in self-destructive behavior. One of them is selective memory. We all prefer to remember the times we did the right thing and forget the times we were wrong. So we can't learn from our own experience. Ultimately, there is also the Freudian unconscious repository of repressed, hidden truths about ourselves that we do not want to acknowledge. This is a defense mechanism of denial that allows you to ignore the unpleasant reality. This is the area that contains all our feelings and thoughts, repressed from consciousness. This is the Jungian "shadow". In this way, repressed feelings (anger, guilt, shame, and more) affect our "involuntary self". Repression distorts the vision of reality and affects feelings and behavior, but this happens outside of awareness. When we do not see reality, which eventually begins to traumatize us, there is a behavior that we define as self-destruction. However, there is no perfect repression, so the feelings that we try to reject find loopholes and involuntarily influence our actions. When we abuse our defense mechanisms, we become very vulnerable, have little understanding of our own feelings, and live a "foreign" life. We cultivate a personality that contradicts our basic needs in love, recognition, success, feeling self-importance. As a psychodynamic therapist, I am well aware of this work of the unconscious. I constantly see its effect on the example of my patients, and in myself. When our feelings conflict with each other or become unacceptable to us, defense mechanisms such as denial or rationalization come into play to allow them to escape our consciousness. 6 For example, our pride may prevent us from being aware of jealousy; our consciousness can suppress sexual attraction to someone other than our partner. The Freudian unconscious consists precisely of such memories and feelings that are incomprehensible, but continue to exert a powerful influence on us. These memories and emotions are found in dreams and depressive moods, and sometimes in deep thought. As a result, they can manifest themselves in self-destructive behavior, as painful emotions, even unconscious ones, still live in us. Nevertheless, emotions continue to be the basis of our experience; we try to be happy and not feel pain. Anger, joy, sex drive, sadness, jealousy, contentment and more are all reactions to what life has to offer. Therefore, feelings carry vital information about the world. They talk about our values ​​and moral principles; we understand what is right and wrong, good and bad, and then our consciousness explains to us why we feel this way. 5 Stanley Milgram, an American social psychologist known for his obedience to authority experiment and study of the "small world" phenomenon (experimental justification for the "rule of six handshakes"). 6 Rationalization of a psychoanalytic term; the process of logical interpretation of one's own actions or attitudes, which are based on unconscious, hidden and unacceptable motives. 20

21 choices, we must pay Special attention feelings, because our own defense mechanisms will not allow us to think too much. We do our best to make it easier for ourselves, to solve the problem as comfortably as possible for ourselves instead of making the right choice. Emotions themselves are absolutely free from evaluations. They are like reflexes, like salivating before eating or pulling your hand away from a hot object. The question is whether we retain control over how we express our emotions. After all, we were taught that some emotions are undesirable to experience, and this is an almost impossible task. Emotions are innate, instinctive responses to stimuli. This chemical processes in the brain; reactions we share with animals: joy, pride, sadness, anger, desire, shame, excitement, guilt. Our emotions rise from the depths of the "involuntary self" and may or may not reach consciousness. Even without being conscious, they influence our behavior. In a psychological laboratory, subjects who are asked to think about older people begin to walk more slowly after the experiment; if there are a lot of rude words in the task, the subjects become rude with the experimenter; those who are asked to think about money demonstrate selfishness. IN Everyday life we are often unrestrained with others and only then realize that we have flared up. We continue to pretend that we do not feel what is unacceptable for us, but the consequences can be destructive. 21

22 Chapter 2 Mechanism of Self-Destruction "Involuntary Self" has many habits that exist outside of our consciousness, which can unintentionally lead to negative consequences . I used the word "unintentionally" because here, unlike in later chapters, we are not talking about ulterior motives such as anger or self-hatred. Basically, such involuntary behavior serves the task of maintaining comfort, self-esteem, without undermining our basic ideas about life, but it can also injure us. Such is the action of the "involuntary I", not controlled by consciousness. As we have said, the "involuntary self" is usually trustworthy. We constantly make decisions below the level of consciousness, most of which we are quite happy with. However, the "involuntary self" is often wrong due to lack of information, prejudice, faulty logic, social influences, faulty beliefs, and a host of other factors. These errors do not always lead to self-destructive consequences, but when this happens, and even repeats, those same errors arise that need to be learned from. The main thing is to pay attention to them. Such behavior should evoke self-blame of any kind, but mental laziness and self-pity come into play. A vivid manifestation of this character can be seen in the cartoon character Homer Simpson, devoid of reflection. But try to think of times when you inadvertently embarrassed yourself or hurt others without seeing the obvious or jumping to the wrong conclusions. Or remember an episode when you did something under the influence of ulterior motives or when you had to give up principles in order to look better in the eyes of others, which you now regret. Here the main message looks like this: "I know what I'm doing, and what will come of it is not my fault." The fact is that the happiest people live in a not quite real world. Happiness (as we usually define it) depends on a specific optimistic attitude or selfish attitude towards oneself. We always think that we are a little better than the rest. We are the most truthful, more educated, we are fairer than others, the motives of our actions are more honest than many. We are the best drivers and we also tolerate alcohol better than others. We believe that our weaknesses do not go beyond the norm, they are simply characteristic of all people, and so with all other shortcomings. On the other hand, our strengths are unique and priceless. We want to believe that we will live ten years longer than the average person. Until we experience real difficulties, we assume that everything good in life is due to our extraordinary qualities, and we consider everything bad to be just bad luck. We believe that success comes from our talents, while we attribute failures to external circumstances. We only hear positive feedback, but are very skeptical of negative feedback. We remember our successes better than our failures. We carefully choose examples with which we want to compare ourselves. Happy and self-confident people firmly believe that their good traits are very rare and highly valued, while bad habits are "what everyone does without exception." In other words, we tend to believe that we are far less susceptible to misconceptions than the average person. Collectively, these beliefs reflect the fallacy of selfishness. And it allows us to be happier until it becomes the only driving force. Some of these beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies, with amazing results: optimists 22

23 are more stubborn than pessimists; Positive people have more friends. Other tendencies simply support our self-esteem. The "involuntary self" (what we usually present to the outside world, how we act in moments of carelessness) is our personality. However, what we consider our personality is connected with the "conscious self"; we judge it by our actions and by what others tell us. When we ask ourselves the question: "I good friend? Fair man? Calm? Kind?" we are at the mercy of our own ideas and conclusions. Some of them come from what other people have said, especially our parents, and some of our own conclusions. And all this, taken together, is certainly based on personal interests. We weave together our reality and narrative flow to help us understand ourselves. Unfortunately, all this, as a rule, does not correspond to our "real" personality. Kindness, openness, leadership, law-abidingness, sensitivity, risk-taking, skepticism, you think you know all these qualities. But there is a significant difference between our conscious belief in our strengths and how our friends evaluate these qualities in us. Selfishness allows you to see yourself in best light, more attractive, with characteristics far from the unpleasant truth. The judgments of friends will have more in common with each other than with our judgments; moreover, they will more accurately evaluate our actions and diverge from our ideas about ourselves. Over the past 30 years, social psychologists have diligently compiled a list of tendencies that allow us to get along better with ourselves and our own lives. On Wikipedia we find a long list of such errors of selfishness (“List of Cognitive Biases”), reading which, we will make many discoveries. Once we consider how our brains actually make decisions, we are surprised at the variety of ways in which we can deceive ourselves. Some of these distortions are classical defense mechanisms such as denial or rationalization, long formulated and scientifically proven. Others are recent discoveries. But they all serve the same purpose of distorting reality in a way that makes you feel more comfortable. Most of these distortions are not dangerous and just help us in everyday life. However, sometimes we distort reality to such an extent that we do not see the real danger and take real risks. At this point, we enter the territory of self-destructive behavior. If you're constantly tripping over rocks in your path, it's time to do something about it. 23

This book belongs to the owner's contacts Table of contents From the author............................................... ......... 11 Chapter 1. Two different brains .............................. .... 14 Chapter 2. Mechanism

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Complexity of presentation

The target audience

Those who need to get rid of addictions or bad habits, change patterns of destructive behavior.

The book describes a technique for getting rid of destructive habits in order to teach the brain to work in a new way. The author explains why it is so difficult to fight bad patterns and change behavior. We can learn to develop and train automatic thinking that facilitates decision making without our awareness.

Reading together

We usually understand what happens to us when we are under the influence of bad habits. Very often we make a promise to ourselves to change and even make some efforts for this, but habits get the better of us. Even if they are not too annoying, they still make you feel guilty and “eat off” part of our self-esteem.

Something is done on an unconscious level, but even the most harmless things can cause a chain of destructive consequences. To err is human, because it is part of our nature. Our brains are controlled by two selves: automatic and conscious. The first is responsible for uncontrolled actions and decisions, controls us when we do something "without a second thought." The second is guided by rational thinking and rationale, analyzes the consequences of the actions of the unconscious "I".

To get rid of bad habits, you need to train the automatic "I" with might and main, otherwise we will constantly be subject to breakdowns. WITH physical point vision, even the brain can be changed if we learn to control the processes of its development and influence behavior. It is it that affects the growth rate of brain cells and its work in general. Neural connections are strengthened if we do something on a regular basis, and by developing good habits, we simply replace the harmful ones with them, that is, we switch the automatic behavior from minus to plus.

1. Unconscious fears of love or success.
2. Passivity.
3. Addiction.
4. The influence of erroneous unconscious beliefs and delusions.
5. Rebellion against intervention.
6. Unconscious self-acceptance.
7. Intrusive ideas.
8. The belief that social norms are not for us.
9. Feeling the completion of everything we have done.

These habits are formed under the influence of repetitive patterns of behavior. The same self-interest makes us see the world differently, when we are allegedly responsible for our good habits, but we blame the people around us for bad ones. People who are overly confident in their personal abilities stop striving for more and ignore everything that is contrary to their self-interest, but at the same time strengthen their convictions. These perceptual errors are born at the subconscious level and are not corrected in consciousness, but are repeated again and again.

Emotions need to be brought out because they are chemical reactions and over time are pumped up to a certain limit. Anger, fear, or guilt lead us to self-destructive behavior, and if we try to contain these feelings, they break out in a different way. Emotions are not "wrong" unless they are based on something else. If we believe that emotions are inappropriate, they become the cause of destructive behavior, dividing our conscious and automatic selves. The conscious tries to prevent this or that erroneous act, but the automatic does it anyway. Restrained aggression leads to an underestimation of the risk or threat, anger tends to accumulate and eventually splash out on loved ones. This is followed by a feeling of guilt, causing our self-hatred. It is this emotion that is very dangerous to contain.

Sometimes destructive behavior is a consequence of attention deficit, grief, or loss of motivation to solve problems. We are often afraid to ask others for help lest we be rejected. There are two types of repressed people who don't even struggle with self-destructive tendencies: the former never had the motivation to do so because they didn't put in the effort and found a miserable life tolerable. The latter had attempts to improve, but because of disappointment in themselves or others, they quickly burned out. There is clearly a lack of motivation to improve behavior, so it is important to learn how to set realistic, achievable goals.

The following forms of destructive behavior are breakdowns and addictions. The former completely block the opportunity to change when we are already one foot on the threshold of success. Relapses are the result of a bad habit sitting in your head, and you can get rid of this scenario through the association of a breakdown with something negative - disgust or fear. Addictions are uncontrollable, most often drugs or gambling. Dopamine, produced by the brain in the process of obtaining pleasure, prompts you to want more. Here it is important to recognize powerlessness, to look at yourself from the outside in order to assess the scale of the disaster and begin to act.

The fight against bad habits is carried out by our mindfulness and self-control. To begin with, you need to learn how to practice calm self-awareness, objectively looking at yourself from the outside. You can detach your assessment of bad habits, but do nothing about them. Mindful meditation helps you listen to your feelings and not judge yourself. 30 minutes a day is enough for her.

You can also start a personal diary to keep track of thoughts and feelings. The main goal is to develop willpower and increase self-control. If you make this activity regular, self-control will become part not only of the conscious self, but also of the automatic one. So you can change the way you think, over time this practice will require less and less effort.

To develop willpower, you can do proper nutrition, associating temptation with something negative, punishing oneself if necessary. In the future, all this will help build trusting and good relationships with people, and bring good habits to automatism. Destructive behavior is a source of unnecessary suffering in a safe and prosperous society.

Emotional acknowledgment is necessary to repair relationships, and for this we need to recognize the fact that sometimes we experience disgusting feelings. They do not need to be repressed, so as not to be made unconscious, it is enough to accept and control them.

Best Quote

“If we are able to accept our feelings, then there will be no need for psychological protection that distorts our world.”

What does the book teach

We ourselves do not know why we do harmful things, because so much of what we do is motivated by pleasant things that give us pleasure, pride, love, and cause superiority. The pleasure principle explains human behavior.

The very first thing to do is to look at yourself from the outside and recognize the behavior as destructive. The better we begin to understand thoughts and feelings, the easier it will be to heal.

To change the way you think and get rid of bad habits, you need to practice self-awareness and "fake" until you really succeed. The most disgusting destructive patterns must be under our control, then we can fully take responsibility for our lives.

Editorial

Give up sweets, quit smoking, stop hanging out in social networks - from the new year, from Monday, from the first of the next month ... Who among us has not participated in our traditional national game? And how are they struggling with bad habits abroad? You will find several effective ideas in our material:.

Making a decision to fight bad habits is one thing, but starting to change something is quite another. After all, it is so difficult to abandon the well-trodden rut! Business coach, confidence and charisma development expert Alexey Sobolev knows three steps to help break a bad habit: .

The habit of putting things off until later, called the buzzword "procrastination", is familiar to many. How to cope with this phenomenon and whether it is necessary to drive yourself, striving for effective efficiency, argues a psychologist and business consultant Olga Yurkovskaya: .

For those struggling with nicotine addiction, Allen Carr suggests unique technique helping to give up this detrimental addiction to health. We have compiled the author's recommendations in our book review. « easy way quit smoking": .

Psychology of bad habits

Richard O'Connor

This book is for those who are frustrated, no longer expect any help, and feel doomed to forever "score their own goals." It is for those who know that sometimes they are their own worst enemy and cannot control themselves. Richard O'Connor, a well-known psychotherapist and PhD, explains why it is so difficult to fight bad habits, shows the duality of our personality and suggests ways to train the involuntary part of our brain, weaning it from destructive habits and changing our behavior for the better.

Published in Russian for the first time.

Richard O'Connor

Psychology of bad habits

Richard O'Connor

Change Your Brain to Break Bad Habits, Overcome Addictions, Conquer Self-Destructive Behavior

Scientific editor Anna Logvinskaya

Published with permission from Richard O'Connor, PhD, c/o Levine Greenberg Literary Agency and Synopsis Literary Agency

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by Vegas Lex law firm.

© Richard O'Connor, PhD, 2014

© Translation into Russian, edition in Russian, design. LLC "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2015

This book is well complemented by:

Pump yourself up! (http://liters.ru/6495347)

John Norcross, Christine Loberg and Jonathon Norcross

Psychology of positive changes (http://litres.ru/4864381)

James Prochaska, John Norcross, Carlo di Clemente

Brain rules (http://litres.ru/6890758)

John Medina

Depression is canceled (http://litres.ru/8899261)

Richard O'Connor

From Saint Paul's letter to the Romans:

“For I do not understand what I am doing: because I do not do what I want, but what I hate, I do”

I am a psychotherapist with over thirty years of experience and the author of several books that I can be proud of. I have studied many theories regarding human consciousness and psychopathology, and many methods of psychotherapy. But looking back on my career, I understand how limited human capabilities are. Many people come to a therapist because they "block their way" in many ways: they undermine their best attempts to achieve what they want, and do not see how they themselves create barriers to love, success and happiness. It takes painstaking therapeutic work to understand exactly what they are doing to themselves. But even more effort is needed to help them behave differently. And of course, I notice the same traits in myself, for example, bad habits that I seemed to get rid of a long time ago. To our chagrin, we always remain ourselves.

Self-destructive (self-destructive) behavior is a universal problem, but professionals do not pay enough attention to it, and rare books describe it. This is probably because most theories interpret self-destructive actions as symptoms of a deeper problem: addiction, depression, or personality disorder. But a lot of people who can't stop getting in their own way don't get a standard diagnosis. Too often, behavior drags us into a hole from which we cannot crawl out - with all the understanding that this makes us insignificant. There are also stereotypes of self-destructive behavior that we are not aware of, but repeat over and over again. As a rule, most of the work in psychotherapy is devoted to recognizing such stereotypes.

So, the bottom line is that there are some powerful forces within us that resist change, even when we clearly see that they are favorable. Bad habits are hard to get rid of. Sometimes it even seems that we have two brains: one wants only good, and the other is desperately resisting in an unconscious attempt to maintain the state of things. New knowledge about how our brain works makes it possible to understand this duality of personality, give guidance for action and hope that we will be able to overcome our own fears and internal resistance.

Psychotherapists help a lot of people, but there are still too many dissatisfied clients who did not get what they came for. This book is for those who are frustrated, who no longer expect any help, who feel doomed to "score own goals" forever. It is for those who have never thought about therapy, but know that sometimes they are their own worst enemy - and these people are most likely the majority on the planet. There are many reasons to find hope now. When combined, the various fields of psychology and brain science can give you a guide to freeing yourself from any self-destructive habits that interfere with your life.

Models of self-destructive behavior

internet addiction

Binge eating

social isolation

gambling

An obvious lie

immobility

self-sacrifice

Overwork (from overwork)

Suicidal actions

Anorexia/bulimia

Incapacity for self-expression

Addiction to video games and sports

Theft and kleptomania

Failure to prioritize (too many tasks on the to-do list)

Attraction to the "wrong" people

Avoiding opportunities to express your talents

Tendency to remain in an unfavorable situation (work, relationships)

antisocial behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior

Inability to handle money; growing debts, inability to save

Self-treatment

Cruel, selfish, thoughtless behavior

self-mutilation

Chronic disorganization

stupid pride

Attention Avoidance

perfectionism

Failure to start looking for a job

sycophancy; manipulative behavior in order to get love

Excessively high standards (of self or others)

Fraud, theft

Procrastination (procrastination)

Neglect of one's own health

Alcohol or drug abuse

Chronic tardiness

Inattention to others

Bad sleep habits

inattention

Inability to relax

Smoking

Reluctance to ask for help

Silent suffering

Addiction to fashion

promiscuity; casual sex without relationship

Pointless battles with people in power

TV addiction

excessive shyness

risk appetite

Shopping as a cure for depression

Addiction to computer games

Propensity to vagrancy, begging

Increased anxiety

sex addiction

Choosing the Role of a Martyr

Actions on a dispute

Propensity for dangerous driving

shoplifting

Sexual degradation

The tendency to spoil everything just when everything is good

Perseverance beyond common sense

Excessive accumulation

Two different brains

Most of us repeat the same mistakes too often, getting bogged down in bad habits, and only a few understand why. Procrastination, lack of initiative, irresponsibility, lack of concentration, smoking, overwork, sleep disturbance, shopping as a treatment for depression, Internet addiction - anything, up to drug addiction and deliberate self-mutilation. In general, we know what we are doing with ourselves, and we promise ourselves to change. Undoubtedly, we often enough try to make this effort, but with habits

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difficult to handle. And each time, making unsuccessful attempts, we criticize ourselves more and complain about helplessness. Such self-destructive habits become a constant source of unnecessary suffering.

Habits extend to all areas of life: from refusing to brush your teeth to attempting suicide, from gastronomic addiction to complete inertia, from deliberate actions to unconscious ones. Bad habits like procrastination, overeating, or not exercising seem like a natural part of human nature. And even if they do not go too far, they are not very annoying, they still make you feel guilty and “eat off” a piece of your own self-esteem. Feelings of guilt serve as leverage when something needs to be changed. But most often it is not possible to change, and then the guilt becomes an unnecessary burden that we put on our shoulders. Other bad habits can interfere with our work and social life: avoiding the spotlight, feeling insecure, procrastinating, staying in a bad job, or continuing a failed relationship. We can also fill our lives with things that directly affect our well-being: drinking, drug use, self-mutilation, crime, fighting, eating disorders. We tried many times to stop, because at first glance it seems that it is as easy as shelling pears. But knowing perfectly well what is good and what is bad, we continue to choose the latter. So why can't we deal with it?

In addition to the inability to do the right thing, there are also many destructive habits that are not even recognized as such, such as reckless driving, frivolity, inability to listen, neglect of one's health. Many of these types of unconscious destructive behavior play out in the realm of relationships. Sometimes I feel dread build up in me: for example, when I see a married couple, where one partner turns himself on to say the “those” words that will cause a guaranteed explosive reaction in the other. This is not anger: the words are supposed to be evidence of understanding, but at the same time betray its complete absence. A desperate feeling grows in the other partner that he is not understood. Like those unfortunate spouses, we often follow an unconscious script that leads to completely wrong words or actions, so we cannot understand why we are wrong. People who can unconsciously be destructive to themselves abuse drugs; no one is considered or, on the contrary, they are too selfless; they have poor relationships with others; they don't know how to manage money. At times, we can recognize the problem, but we are unable to recognize our share in it. We just realize that we don't have close friends or that we're always in trouble at work.

However, the reasons for such self-destructive behavior may be the result of our having two areas of consciousness that do not correlate well with each other. They give conflicting advice, usually beyond the threshold of awareness, and we often make choices without thinking at all. In short: it seems that we have a thoughtful, conscious and reflective self, but at the same time there is also an “involuntary self” that does its job without attracting our attention. "Conscious Self", of course, can make mistakes, but all the troubles fall on our head through the fault of the "involuntary Self". It is guided by motives and prejudices that we are not aware of: this is our internal choice, it does not correspond to reality. These are old habits of living a certain way and experiencing feelings that we try to deny.

The "involuntary self" controls our behavior to a large extent, especially when it comes to spontaneous actions. The Conscious Self steps in when we give ourselves the trouble to think about our choices, but it can only focus on one thing at a time. In the meantime, we make many decisions, for our own pleasure and for our sorrow. The "involuntary self" makes you greedily eat potato chips while the "conscious" is busy with something else. The conscious brain is wired to check facts and correct involuntary reactions when they lead to adverse outcomes. But the truth is that consciousness has much less control over our actions than we would like to believe.

The trick to overcoming self-destructive behavior is not to rely on the strengthening of the "conscious self" in the hope of better self-control, although this sometimes helps. Rather, we should train our "involuntary self" to make wiser unconscious decisions, not be distracted by trifles, avoid temptations, see ourselves more clearly in this world and interrupt impulsive reactions before they bring us trouble. In the meantime, our consciousness will do its job, providing a chance to better know ourselves and those traits that we preferred to hide from ourselves, expanding our knowledge of the world and teaching us to view ourselves with compassion precisely in the process of acquiring the skills of self-discipline.

Thus, when we do something that we later regret, most of the time our “involuntary self” is active, and no part of the brain considers the consequences. Sometimes the "involuntary self" is motivated by the desire to protect some aspects of the mind that remain unconscious; at times it is simply emotional deafness, laziness or distraction. But, as you will see, revealing our unconscious motives, habits, and pretense is not such a hopeless task. This requires self-awareness, the training of certain skills that we do not naturally possess. This is the topic that the book is mainly devoted to. It would seem, who needs this in an era of quick fixes, when drugs are supposed to cure us instantly? But if you've been struggling with these habits for most of your life (and who's to say?), you know there are no quick fixes. We are constantly returning to our old habits, as if caught in a "magnetic beam". So have patience as I explain how to find the core of your self-destructive habits and learn to control the hidden forces that make you do unwanted things. Our conversation will force us to face the bitter truth about ourselves, but in doing so, we will discover a way for ourselves to achieve a much more successful, productive and happy life.

Thus, the fight against self-destructive forms of behavior is a big test. However, there is reason for optimism: a new scientific idea has emerged about the plasticity (variability) of the brain, which claims that life experience affects its physical growth and change. New brain cells are constantly being formed; with the acquisition of knowledge, new connections between cells are also formed. Neurophysiologists now know that bad habits have a physical embodiment in the structure of the brain; they create a vicious cycle when we face temptation. Depression burns joy receptors; anxiety creates a trigger

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mechanism. But today we also know that it is possible to “rewire” the brain to create a healthy life cycle. Scientists observe these processes using new methods of tomographic research. Patients tormented by intrusive thoughts can see their brains change as they learn to control their thought process. Making healthy habits becomes easier; joy receptors are regenerated, and anxiety goes away. It takes consistency and practice, but it's achievable. People think they don't have willpower, but willpower is not something we have or don't have, like eye color. It is an acquired skill, like the ability to play tennis or type on a computer keyboard. You just need to train your nervous system, as we train our muscles and reflexes. We have to go to the “gym”, not for physical but for mental exercises, each time to practice alternative forms of behavior, and each time it will get easier and easier.

Why we do things that harm us is one of the great mysteries of the human mind. And this is a rather controversial secret, since most of our actions are motivated by things that give pleasure, make us proud, love, cause a feeling of superiority. Such strivings, driven by the desire for satisfaction, underlie the pleasure principle, and it explains much of human behavior. Then why do we sometimes do things that will obviously make us feel bad and take us away from the desired results? In the old days, this question was answered unpretentiously: devilish machinations, sins, a curse, the evil eye, a demon beguiled or any other evil that controls our lives. In today's world, almost devoid of prejudices, there is no explanation for this. Freud had to invent the death instinct (Thanatos) - the primary force within us that leads to destruction. As a result, this idea was abandoned due to lack of scientific arguments. Jung's concept of the shadow—of parts of ourselves that we reject that continue to influence our choices—seems to be more fruitful. Undoubtedly, there are things that bring short-term pleasure at the cost of long-term suffering: overeating, gambling, drinking. But we still believe that painful experiences can teach us to change bad habits more quickly. However, there is this pattern: after many years of successfully controlling self-destructive behavior, something can move us, and we again find ourselves where we started. I don't claim to have solved the mystery of self-destructive behavior, but I have found that most often it can be explained by a relatively small set of scenarios that tend to repeat themselves.

Such scenarios are either the product of an ulterior motive that tempts us, or the result of developing situations that lead to a sad ending. It's like a tragic play that you watch, horrified that everything is heading towards its inevitable end. The motives, feelings and thoughts behind all this are usually beyond our understanding, that is, unconscious, except for moments of deep mental work or therapy. However, they are not hidden so far that when you read about them, you cannot immediately recognize your own scenarios.

We may not be aware of these patterns, but our best friends and loved ones often see them well in action because distance allows them to be objective. Social norms dictate not to tell us about it. And in any case, we will not listen to them. In therapy, these patterns appear only after a close examination of the mechanisms of our unhappiness. But you will also recognize your patterns very well as you read this book. And when that happens, remember that each scenario provides a chance to understand something that is hidden from us. Awareness of misplaced rebellion requires acknowledging the role of emotions in our lives and understanding why we neglect their messages. In coping with the fear of recognition, we must develop awareness skills that will then help in many aspects of life. Overcoming self-destructive patterns requires a deep understanding of ourselves. This is a very difficult task, because there are huge, harmful forces behind our destructive behavior. And if it was easy to do, we would have stopped a long time ago.

Other than that, most of us would like to cross out only the truly egregious self-destructive acts: "Otherwise, we're fine, thank you very much." It is quite natural that we are afraid of big changes, and we rather want help in small indulgences to bad habits. We tend to view the symptoms as something foreign that can be eliminated if the right medicine or scalpel is found. We desperately resist realizing that these habits are deeply ingrained in us - but they are - and have become part of our character. Habits are always the outward manifestation of complex internal conflicts, or they may reveal the existence of prejudices, delusions, and feelings that we were not even aware of. Most importantly, as bad habits develop, our character becomes distorted. We have to justify them logically and deceive ourselves in the nature of our own actions and harm. And there is simply no way to stop bad habits (apart from smoking, which is nothing more than an addiction) without understanding what it means to us and what it does to us. If you have ever learned skills that require practice, such as typing or driving, you can use the same methods to get to know yourself and overcome your harmful and unwanted behavior.

Scenarios of self-destructive behavior:

The influence of unconscious beliefs and delusions, simply misguided or wrong in the given context;

Unconscious fears of success, independence, love;

Passivity; lack of initiative; refusal to acknowledge that we have powers

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for change;

Habitual protest against interference;

Unconscious self-hatred;

Obsessive passion for gambling; game with restrictions - to see how everything "gets away";

Dream of someone who can take care of us and stop us;

The belief that generally accepted rules do not concern us;

Feeling that we have done our best and there is no need to try anymore;

Addiction.

Each scenario can lead to certain behavioral patterns, ranging from relatively mild ones, such as procrastination or disorganization, to severe ones, such as self-mutilation or drug addiction. In my experience, the severity of the consequences has almost no effect on the degree of difficulty in getting rid of them.

The other side of the problem is that people may have the same forms of self-destructive behavior, but each follows different scenarios for their implementation. Same behavior, but different reasons. If I procrastinate most of the time because I don't like being told what to do, Joe might do the same because he secretly hates himself and doesn't believe he can succeed. Jane can be slow because she worries about how possible success will change her life, while Jackson takes his time: he is so convinced of his talents that he can afford to leave everything to the last minute. People may exhibit the same patterns of behavior, but this does not mean that they have the same motives and benefits.

If you want to control your bad habits, it is vital to understand the script you are following. True, understanding alone is not enough. You will have to acquire new skills and habits that will be more effective in achieving your goals. For example: mindfulness, self-control, the fight against fears, release from guilt and many others, described in detail in the following chapters. At the end of each chapter, you will find exercises to practice these new skills regularly. They must be carried out until they become second nature to you. None of them seems difficult, however, you need to stock up on patience and perseverance so as not to shy away from this practice. The process will become easier when you start to really benefit from it.

But even after a while, you will still have kickbacks, returns to your previous positions. In my understanding, kickbacks are caused by mysterious forces that sabotage our best efforts when we are already on the verge of victory. The hard truth is that most of our self-reforming efforts (even those that are initially very successful) fizzle out after two years and throw us back where we started. We diet and lose about 20 kilos, but then a bad week comes and everything goes down the drain. In just a few months, we are gaining all the kilograms back. We fought so hard to lose as a result, and this defeat only convinces us of our own helplessness. We cannot deal with such a rollback by doing the usual things; you will have to change some basic ideas about yourself and some habits that have not yet been perceived as part of the problem.

So, overcoming bad habits is not an easy task, especially those that have been with us for many years. But if you get acquainted with the latest scientific discoveries, it will become much easier.

Neuroscientists have proven that if you just practice good habits, the brain changes and develops in response, and accordingly, it becomes easier to follow these habits. When we do something constantly, concentrating our attention on it, nerve cells create new material connections between themselves. For example, there is a certain nerve center A (it is responsible for the intention to go to the gym) and nerve center B, which regulates the duration of the intention: it gives a signal to stay in the gym until you have done all the exercises. Centers A and B are developing new connections with increased opportunities for receiving and disseminating information. As a result, training in the gym becomes a habit and gets a physical embodiment in the brain. Neurons firing at the same time form new contacts. We forget about pain, suffering - about everything that can distract us, and just do it. And every time we do it, it gets easier and easier.

A few years ago, scientists taught a group of college students how to juggle using entirely new methods to monitor their brains as they acquired skills. Within three months of daily practice, the participants' brains showed visible gray matter growth. Then for three months the students were banned from juggling, and the growth stopped. And what will happen in the brain in three months if you cope with the harmful patterns of your behavior - in thinking, feelings, actions? Three months of continuous study is a long time, more than we would like, when we are waiting for major changes in our lives. After all, we not only want to get rid of excess weight - we expect that in three months we will no longer experience such hunger as before. If we break the habit of gambling or drinking, we expect that after three months there will be no temptation to gamble or drink at all. Perhaps these are unrealistic expectations, however, you do not expect that in just three months you will become professional jugglers. We have to give ourselves a lot more time, we have to practice more to make our wishes come true. It is possible that relapses partly occur when we are sure of complete victory, although in fact we are still in the middle of the road.

According to some reports, the brain changes much faster (and this remains a mystery) than the "juggling" study shows. The experiment of Alvaro Pascual-Leone, professor of neurophysiology at Harvard Medical School, involved volunteers. He gave them a task: for five days for two hours to play the piano with one hand - and then studied the activity of their brains. The scientist found that in just five days, the motor cortex, which is responsible for the activity of the fingers, increased and reformed. Then he divided the participants into two groups: some continued the exercises for another four weeks, while others stopped the exercises. In volunteers who stopped playing, the changes in the motor zone disappeared. But the most surprising thing was that there was a third group that performed the same exercises mentally: during the experiment, the fingers of the subjects remained motionless. After five days, the third group showed almost the same changes in motor areas as those in participants who really practiced on the keyboard. So there was experimentally proven evidence that the brain begins to change almost immediately on the background of exercise, no matter

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real or mental. However, these changes disappear if we stop practicing. The fact that the brain responds to mental training in exactly the same way as to physical training suggests that your internal pep talks, mindfulness efforts, thought control, and willpower—all the techniques we will be discussing—will achieve what you want. effect.

The discovery of physical changes in the brain against the background of the acquisition of new life experience seems to be the biggest news in the psychology of recent decades. Now neurophysiologists know that all habits have a physical embodiment in the structure of the brain. Early paths are laid in childhood and adolescence. As we get used to bad habits, they turn into train tracks and become the only line that can take you from point A to point B - from stress to relief. But we don't recognize that there are healthier, more direct ways to achieve our needs, so when we're stressed, we start drinking or overeating or getting into fights or getting depressed, all without realizing we've made the decision; our habits function outside of consciousness. These are the forces at work in relapses, which is why it is so hard to break bad habits: they are imprinted in the brain. Harmful patterns do not disappear when we start to practice more favorable behavior - they just become obsolete and just as easily come back later. When we pave new paths, we do not destroy the old ones, but simply allow them to overgrow with grass, “rust” - but remain.

For example, we have been eating junk food for years. And now they began to follow a diet in the hope of losing five kilograms in two weeks. But if it didn’t work out, we get discouraged and quit the diet. However, it would never occur to us to expect that we can learn to play the guitar in a few weeks, or speak a foreign language, or start typing like a typist. After all, we know perfectly well what needs to be done to change, and this is the only reason why the situation seems so simple. And we expect to overcome the habits acquired over the years of life within a few weeks. As the members of Alcoholics Anonymous say, "Just because it's easy doesn't mean it's easy." Habits die hard. Each time we acquire a bad habit, we make it easier for ourselves to get into it in the future. But at the same time, every time we acquire a good habit, we get a greater likelihood of returning to it. We can learn to program our brains in such a way that it is easier and more natural to make the right choice and exercise willpower. Concentration of attention and relentless practice will change the "reward system", and then bad habits will lose their appeal: they will be replaced by new, creative forms of behavior.

An important consequence of these discoveries is that acquired knowledge is not lost. Trying to get rid of bad habits (eat right, do morning exercises, be persistent), on one of the bad days, we easily slide back. At this moment, we can give up and feel that we have wasted our strength, but this is not so. Every day of good practice leaves traces in the brain: after a fall, we can again sit in the saddle and expect that it will soon become easier - and, as before, satisfaction will come.

New methods of brain scanning have led to another revolutionary discovery: nerve cells are constantly renewing themselves. Until recently, the main doctrine of neurophysiology was based on the fact that nerve cells do not form in adults. In fact, it was believed that since childhood we only lose them. We now know that the brain is constantly creating new cells. Deep in the brain, there are colonies of rapidly dividing stem cells that are able to migrate and replace any specialized nerve cells. We also know that learning stimulates their division. With conscious or unconscious learning, the growth and enrichment of connections between nerve cells occurs. The practical application of new knowledge strengthens the connections between new and old cells. We believed that our qualities (intelligence, morality, principles) were somehow laid down from an early age. They can develop, weaken and turn into something perverted or become stronger and more beautiful. Everything depends on our experience.

As it turns out during therapy, most of the problems have been with us for many years, maybe even from adolescence or childhood. This suggests that conventional problem-solving methods, if they had a positive effect on our self-destructive behavior, no longer help. This means that we will have to give up some of the ways in which we fight our negative behavior: it happens that they become part of the problem.

Conscious

Self-destructive behavior is almost impossible to explain without resorting to the concept of split personality, according to which the motives and feelings that we hide from ourselves sometimes work against our best interests. Without this concept, such behavior is inexplicable - just as it is impossible to explain the movement of the planets of our solar system, neglecting the existence of the gravitational force of the Sun. Our "involuntary self" and our "thinking self" influence each other with great force, usually outside of consciousness, which can result in a lot of unnecessary suffering.

The "Conscious Self" is mainly located in the neocortex (neocortex): this is how evolution separated humans from animals. The neocortex is the part of the brain responsible for intentional actions. His work reflects our experience and, hopefully, allows us to make thoughtful decisions about what is good for us and what to avoid. Unlike the unconscious, consciousness is more open to new information and is able to be flexible in its reactions. It allows you to remain calm, predict actions, plan for the future and not give impulsive reactions to current events. This part of the brain is responsible for our beliefs about ourselves. We like to think that we are in charge of ourselves and live life in full consciousness. However, in reality, our decisions and beliefs are heavily dependent on unconscious processes.

One of the world-changing ideas was Freud's theory of the unconscious over a hundred years ago. Now his concept of the unconscious has become part of our ideas. When we forget someone's name or miss an appointment, we think: wasn't this "Freudian repression"? Nowadays, we already know for sure that we deny or suppress unpleasant facts and memories. We see others defending themselves in a similar way. We believe that no one can fully understand the motives of their actions. And despite the fact that most of Freud's psychoanalytic methods are a thing of the past, the idea

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The unconscious constantly changes our ideas about ourselves.

Now our understanding of the unconscious has become much broader than Freud's theory (see Fig. 1). The unconscious includes motor skills, perception, and systems prior to the development of consciousness. It includes many things that are never repressed, but are assimilated without the participation of consciousness, such as prejudice or pessimism. It also includes much of social psychology, namely how our attitudes shape our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. A lot of interesting things about the human mind - judgments, feelings, motives - pass by the consciousness because of efficiency, not because of repression from it.

Rice. 1. Model of consciousness

Daniel Kahneman, the Nobel laureate who developed behavioral economics, calls it system 1 thinking and considers it lazy because habits lack creativity. Timothy Wilson, in his excellent book Strangers to Ourselves, defines this as the adaptive unconscious. But I prefer the involuntary I. We can, if we want, focus our consciousness on the "involuntary I", although this immediately complicates our life. Imagine that while walking you will begin to concentrate on every movement of the muscles. Throughout the day, we are 99% dependent on the "involuntary self", and in general it is trustworthy. On the other hand, the "conscious self" - what Kahneman calls System 2 - is ready to jump into action immediately. This happens when we are faced with a difficult problem, a moral dilemma, or when we are being cautious; if we care about how we look in the eyes of other people. In order to become aware of our self-destructive habits, we need a "conscious self". Then the mind begins to understand that suffering is caused by actions that we were not aware of.

The Freudian unconscious is now seen as part of a larger "involuntary self" consisting only of repressed feelings unacceptable to consciousness. It has another side, which I call the allowable world, which includes our basic ideas about the structure of the world - conscious and unconscious. These are such individual lenses through which we view the world around us. Our race, social stratum, gender, nationality is a given with which we were born and which influences our views. Most of the information we unconsciously receive from parents and through childhood interactions, such as attitudes towards learning, problem solving, knowledge, skills and expectations, compassion and competition, control and freedom, nobility and self-centeredness. None of us are able to see the world objectively, while each tends to consider himself more objective than the one standing next to him. Such a perception of the world is formed from the cradle and leads to a certain distortion of reality. Therefore, the admissible world of each turns out to be unique, although some may be more objective than others.

In addition to the Freudian unconscious and permissible world, there are also the most important foundations of our ideas about ourselves: learning style; personality; involuntary reactions in familiar situations; acquired skills that we don't think about (such as walking or talking). The "involuntary self", like a well-oiled computer, is able to perform many tasks simultaneously without much effort. However, it does not know how to cope with something unknown or alien, it requires the work of consciousness. However, we have a strong tendency to equate unfamiliar things with our own programmed beliefs when system 2 dumps responsibility on system 1. We then respond to the new situation using old habits. A snake in the grass is like a garden hose until it crawls. The "involuntary self" solves the problem by relying on intuition and past experience. We want to rely on gut feelings, but they are not always reliable.

Some go even further, insisting that all our actions are dictated by unconscious processes, and thinking only explains our actions after the fact. I don't think this idea is productive, but it is true of our choices and actions, which are indeed much more dependent on unconscious processes than we would like to think. Scientists have re-evaluated intuition and foreboding. At times, unconscious knowledge can be more accurate than complex emotional and rational consciousness. People are doomed to face risk, and they recognize an inner sense of danger at the time of its occurrence. One of the most common self-destructive behaviors is to outsmart yourself in the moment. The problem is that the inner feeling can also be very wrong. It may require us to be aggressive with those who have offended us, but we must rely on reason to curb our feelings.

For most of us, the "involuntary self" is characterized by viscosity and resistance to new useful information. False beliefs about ourselves, other people, and reality lead us to choices that unintentionally cause destructive consequences. A simple example is the common belief of a player that if a certain number (in a dice or in a lottery) has not fallen out for some time, it must fall out soon, which means that this is a “sure win”. In fact, each roll of a die or spin of a lotto wheel is completely independent of what preceded it. More serious false beliefs lead to prejudice, racism, sexism. But at the same time, if we quickly become aware of what is convenient for us, we are much more likely to be influenced than we would like. The evidence comes from Stanley Milgram's infamous experiment in which subjects were willing to hurt other people and give them even life-threatening electric shocks just because there was a man in a white coat standing nearby who told them to do it.

The "involuntary self" is also subject to the influence of motives

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and desires that are beyond our consciousness. The main motive of them is the maintenance of self-esteem. We tend to believe that we are pure in heart, that we always do the right thing, that we are above average in almost everything. To be sure, this is simply statistically impossible and actually a comforting self-deception. We have a million different little habits that keep us in this comfort zone and justify ourselves in self-destructive behavior. One of them is selective memory. We all prefer to remember the times we did the right thing and forget the times we were wrong. So we can't learn from our own experience.

Ultimately, there is also the Freudian unconscious, the repository of repressed, hidden truths about ourselves that we do not want to acknowledge. This is a defense mechanism of denial that allows you to ignore the unpleasant reality. This is the area that contains all our feelings and thoughts, repressed from consciousness. This is the Jungian "shadow". In this way, repressed feelings (anger, guilt, shame, and more) affect our "involuntary self". Repression distorts the vision of reality and affects feelings and behavior, but this happens outside of awareness. When we do not see reality, which eventually begins to traumatize us, there is a behavior that we define as self-destruction. However, there is no perfect repression, so the feelings that we try to reject find loopholes and involuntarily influence our actions. When we abuse our defense mechanisms, we become very vulnerable, have little understanding of our own feelings, and live a "foreign" life. We cultivate a personality that contradicts our basic needs for love, recognition, success, a sense of self-worth. As a psychodynamic therapist, I am well aware of this work of the unconscious. I constantly see its effect on the example of my patients, and in myself.

When our feelings conflict with each other or become unacceptable for us to let them escape our consciousness, defense mechanisms such as denial or rationalization come into play. For example, our pride may prevent us from being aware of jealousy; our consciousness can suppress sexual attraction to someone other than our partner. The Freudian unconscious consists precisely of such memories and feelings that are incomprehensible, but continue to exert a powerful influence on us. These memories and emotions are found in dreams and depressive moods, and sometimes in deep thought. As a result, they can manifest themselves in self-destructive behavior, as painful emotions, even unconscious ones, still live in us.

Nevertheless, emotions continue to be the basis of our experience; we try to be happy and not feel pain. Anger, joy, sex drive, sadness, jealousy, contentment and more are all reactions to what life has to offer. Therefore, feelings carry vital information about the world. They talk about our values ​​and moral principles; we understand what is right and wrong, good and bad, and then our consciousness explains to us why we feel this way. When faced with a moral choice, we must pay special attention to feelings, because our own defense mechanisms will not allow us to think too much. We do our best to make it easier for ourselves, to solve the problem as comfortably as possible for ourselves instead of making the right choice. Emotions themselves are absolutely free from evaluations. They are like reflexes, like salivating before eating or pulling your hand away from a hot object. The question is whether we retain control over how we express our emotions. After all, we were taught that some emotions are undesirable to experience, and this is an almost impossible task.

Emotions are innate, instinctive responses to stimuli. These are chemical processes in the brain; reactions we share with animals: joy, pride, sadness, anger, desire, shame, excitement, guilt. Our emotions rise from the depths of the "involuntary self" and may or may not reach consciousness. Even without being conscious, they influence our behavior. In a psychological laboratory, subjects who are asked to think about older people begin to walk more slowly after the experiment; if there are a lot of rude words in the task, the subjects become rude with the experimenter; those who are asked to think about money demonstrate selfishness. In everyday life, we are often unrestrained with others and only then realize that we have flared up. We continue to pretend that we do not feel what is unacceptable for us, but the consequences can be destructive.

Self-destruct mechanism

The "involuntary self" has many habits that exist outside of our consciousness, which can unintentionally lead to negative consequences. I used the word "unintentionally" because here, unlike in later chapters, we are not talking about ulterior motives such as anger or self-hatred. Basically, such involuntary behavior serves the task of maintaining comfort, self-esteem, without undermining our basic ideas about life, but it can also injure us. Such is the action of the "involuntary I", not controlled by consciousness. As we have said, the "involuntary self" is usually trustworthy. We constantly make decisions below the level of consciousness, most of which we are quite happy with. However, the "involuntary self" is often wrong due to lack of information, prejudice, faulty logic, social influences, faulty beliefs, and a host of other factors. These errors do not always lead to self-destructive consequences, but when this happens, and even repeats, those same errors arise that need to be learned from. The main thing is to pay attention to them. Such behavior should evoke self-blame of any kind, but mental laziness and self-pity come into play. A vivid manifestation of this character can be seen in the cartoon character Homer Simpson, devoid of reflection. But try to think of times when you inadvertently embarrassed yourself or hurt others without seeing the obvious or jumping to the wrong conclusions. Or remember an episode when you did something under the influence of ulterior motives or when you had to give up principles in order to look better in the eyes of others, which you now regret. Here the main message looks like this: "I know what I'm doing, and what will come of it is not my fault."

The fact is that the happiest people live in a not quite real world. Happiness (as we usually define it) depends on a specific optimistic attitude

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or selfish attitude. We always think that we are a little better than the rest. We are the most truthful, more educated, we are fairer than others, the motives of our actions are more honest than many. We are the best drivers and we also tolerate alcohol better than others. We believe that our weaknesses do not go beyond the norm, they are simply characteristic of all people, and so with all other shortcomings. On the other hand, our strengths are unique and priceless. We want to believe that we will live ten years longer than the average person. Until we experience real difficulties, we assume that everything good in life is due to our extraordinary qualities, and we consider everything bad to be just bad luck. We believe that success comes from our talents, while we attribute failures to external circumstances. We only hear positive feedback, but are very skeptical of negative feedback. We remember our successes better than our failures. We carefully choose examples with which we want to compare ourselves. Happy and self-confident people firmly believe that their good traits are very rare and highly valued, while bad habits are "what everyone does without exception."

In other words, we tend to believe that we are far less susceptible to misconceptions than the average person. Collectively, these beliefs reflect the fallacy of selfishness. And it allows us to be happier - as long as it does not become the only driving force. Some of these beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies, with startling results: optimists outperform pessimists; Positive people have more friends. Other tendencies simply support our self-esteem.

The "involuntary self" (what we usually present to the outside world, how we act in moments of carelessness) is our personality. However, what we consider our personality is connected with the "conscious self"; we judge it by our actions and by what others tell us. When we ask ourselves the question: “Am I a good friend? Fair man? Calm? Kind?" We are at the mercy of our own ideas and conclusions. Some of them come from what other people have said, especially our parents, and some come from our own conclusions. And all this, taken together, is certainly based on personal interests. We weave together our reality and narrative flow to help us understand ourselves. Unfortunately, all this, as a rule, does not correspond to our "real" personality. Kindness, openness, leadership, law-abidingness, sensitivity, risk-taking, skepticism - you think you know all these qualities. But there is a significant difference between our conscious belief in our strengths and how our friends evaluate these qualities in us. Selfishness allows you to see yourself in a better light, more attractive, with characteristics that are far from the unpleasant truth. The judgments of friends will have more in common with each other than with our judgments; moreover, they will more accurately evaluate our actions and diverge from our ideas about ourselves.

Over the past 30 years, social psychologists have diligently compiled a list of tendencies that allow us to get along better with ourselves and our own lives. On Wikipedia we find a long list of such errors of selfishness (“List of Cognitive Biases”), reading which, we will make many discoveries. Once we consider how our brains actually make decisions, we are surprised at the variety of ways in which we can deceive ourselves. Some of these distortions are classical defense mechanisms such as denial or rationalization, long formulated and scientifically proven. Others are recent discoveries. But they all serve the same purpose - to distort reality in a way that makes you feel more comfortable. Most of these distortions are not dangerous and just help us in everyday life. However, sometimes we distort reality to such an extent that we do not see the real danger and take real risks. At this point, we enter the territory of self-destructive behavior. If you're constantly tripping over rocks in your path, it's time to do something about it.

The world as we see it

Coping with the challenges that life sets before us, the mind organizes our experience into certain patterns. They allow you to foresee the possible consequences of what is happening. We create a system of internal assumptions that explain our life processes. Together they form our allowable world. In the context of this term, assumptions are not only our thoughts or ideas, but also emotional and behavioral patterns. Each of us, out of necessity, creates our own allowable world in order to make it predictable. "I spilled my milk, my father yelled at me." "I got a promotion, my wife will be proud of me." "I didn't find my hearing aid, my daughter will think I lost it." When we encounter exceptions to our own generalizations, this means that our assumptions need to be enriched and complicated in order to better "read" what is happening. "I spilled my milk, but my father only gets angry when he's in trouble at work." “I got a promotion, but that means my working hours are longer – and how will my wife react to this?”

A valid world helps to anticipate future events, but it can be very accurate or very distorted. Our valid world is often quite accurate in one area (like how I know how my smartphone works), but can be far from the truth in other areas (how I communicate with people). The "involuntary self" has a "default" working system, a network of cells and their connections, concerning the main thoroughfares of our thinking, feelings and actions. When we come across a new experience, we try to attach it to our acceptable world; the biocurrents of the brain most easily pass through already established paths. Neurons that transmit excitation form mutual connections. If the new experience doesn't fit our allowable world (and we struggle to fit it in there), attention shifts to the "conscious self". At this point, we begin to realize the riddle to be solved.

So, the allowable world resists change: a) because the “involuntary self” tries to look at the world through the prism of already established patterns, which Kahneman calls the lazy system 1; b) because our ideas in themselves limit our vision and experience. There is an old parable about Cortes who sailed to the coast of Mexico, and the natives of America did not notice his ships, because they had never seen such objects before. If I consider Freud a dumbass, it is unlikely that I will be able to hear anything clever or progressive in his words.

In talking about the admissible world, another term is appropriate - paradigm. Philosopher

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from science, Thomas Kuhn used it to describe the system of basic ideas or theories on which most scientists rely. Today, our most fundamental paradigm is scientific method. However, in former times, these were divine revelations or the traditions of antiquity. Kuhn believed that scientists depend on shared paradigms to organize their communications, but revelation in science requires a paradigm shift that breaks everything and everything. Ancient astronomy, common sense, and the Catholic Church held that the sun revolved around the earth. In the past, astronomers painstakingly designed systems (spheres within spheres) to explain the fact that planets seen from Earth stop and then continue on their way. When Galileo declared that the Earth revolves around the Sun, his idea was simple, elegant, and obvious to anyone with an open mind. Nevertheless, it caused hysteria among churchmen, and it took hundreds of years for science to accept such a paradigm shift and internalize Galileo's model. A closer example of a paradigm shift is the rejection of planetary model atom in favor of a new one, which no one but physicists can understand.

The non-professional may remain with his outdated idea of ​​electrons revolving around a central nucleus. This explanation is enough for him, it does not hurt anyone, but for modern science this is not enough at all. Frozen paradigms in science can hinder progress and harm people. For example, everyone believed that the adult brain did not change with experience, and millions of years of life were wasted, and patients with brain injuries were considered hopeless. But look at Gabby Giffords: she is learning to use parts of her brain through training and practice. And that's all it takes to change the brain.

Hopes create our world

Our paradigm (otherwise known as a narrative, script, schema, mindset, or life filter) to a large extent creates the reality we perceive. Due to her resistance to change, she becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. As we age, we draw closer to people whose opinions are the same as ours, and move away from those who hold a different point of view. Usually friends share our views on politics, religion, sports and other people. We try to choose work that does not contradict our expectations. We read newspapers and magazines, listen to radio stations that support our prejudices. We choose between Fox News and MSNBC depending on a particular paradigm of the world. If our self-destructive behavior is expressed in excessive drinking, mental indolence, overeating, wasting time, or neglecting health, we are unlikely to maintain friendship with people who do not approve of all this. If we are addicted to gambling, drugs, or overly addicted to sex, then we find people who support us. If family or loved ones try to keep us from such behavior, we will avoid them, ignore them, find ways to silence them, or break up with them. In other words, we find ways to help us literally not see the consequences of our self-destructive behavior.

There are characteristic biases that go along with each other because they help us in the same circumstances, such as fear control or perfectionism. Our self, which we present to the world, is largely subject to these patterns; they predetermine what we call personality. We can believe that everyone loves us - or everyone is ready to kill us; we can treat ourselves as an innocent lamb - or a burned-out cynic, as a helpless victim - or an all-powerful hero. From these representations, each creates their own unique paradigm that defines everything we hear, feel, think, see, believe and do. If we are lucky, our ideas are better aligned with reality. But many of our assumptions are formed without any criticism, they are received at an early age and internalized without full awareness. And if they are wrong, they can lead to solutions that threaten with a lot of trouble. Our paradigm exists outside of consciousness, so it is not corrected by bad decisions (“I won’t do it again!”), And we continue to make the same mistakes. Ideally, when we experience something that contradicts our own ideas, we should recognize this and try to change it. However, the "involuntary I" stubbornly retains this unchanging experience outside of consciousness. It uses defense mechanisms such as denial, rationalization, or object change to protect our preconceived notions.

In this chapter we will talk about people who do not think about their vision of the world. Their paradigm might look something like this.

One of the main reasons why we find it so difficult to overcome our pathological paradigm is selective attention. We tend to take into account the experiences that support our beliefs and not remember (or simply not see) everything that goes against them. The basic principle of interpersonal psychotherapy (and by the way, a very worthy method) is as follows. The difficulty in changing problem behavior is that it is based on beliefs and opinions that are constantly evaluated by other people. At the same time, we selectively perceive everything that conflicts with our beliefs. If I'm constantly angry, I'm sure I'll get into trouble. This, in turn, will confirm me in the opinion that people are dangerous to deal with and you need to be ready to fight with them. If I am a very suspicious person, I will not trust people, and they will answer me the same. And those who treat me well, I will suspect of some kind of self-interest. If our paradigm is depressive, we are likely to focus on bad news, signs of rejection, failures, while ignoring even the slightest bit of good events, and take the love of loved ones for granted.

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taken for granted. With the paradigm of perfectionism, we will never be satisfied with our work. We will spend a lot of time trying to do our best to shine, not recognizing that some things are better left alone. We will not be convinced by praise for the work done, since all attention is focused on the last imperfections, noticeable only to us. If the paradigm of our marriage is to blame our partner, to constantly complain, we will never come to an agreement.

End of introductory segment.

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In psychoanalysis, the concept of Thanatos (the god of death in ancient Greek mythology) and the term itself were introduced by the Austrian psychoanalyst Wilhelm Stekel. The consolidation and spread of the concept is largely associated with the work of the Austrian psychoanalyst Paul Federn, a student of Sigmund Freud. In Freud's writings, the concept of Thanatos was not used, although, according to some evidence, Freud repeatedly used it orally to refer to the instinct he postulated for death, destruction and aggression, which is opposed by Eros - the instinct of sexuality, life and self-preservation. Hereinafter, the notes of the scientific editor and translator, unless otherwise indicated.

Pattern (eng. pattern from lat. patronus - model, role model, template) - a stable, context-based repetition by a person of his own behavior or thinking to achieve certain results; stereotyped behavioral response or sequence of actions; the basic unit of the unconscious.

Daniel Kahneman (Daniel Kahneman, born 1934) is an Israeli-American psychologist, Nobel Prize winner in economics in 2002, one of the founders of psychological economics (behavioral finance), which combines economics and cognitive science to explain the irrationality of a person’s attitude to risk in making decisions and in managing their behavior.

Timothy Wilson is a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, a social psychologist, and a well-known researcher in the fields of self-knowledge, positive psychology, and social cognition.

Stanley Milgram (1933-1984) is an American social psychologist, known for his experiment on obedience to authority and research on the phenomenon of the "small world" (experimental justification for the "rule of six handshakes").

Rationalization is a psychoanalytic term; the process of logical interpretation of one's own actions or attitudes, which are based on unconscious, hidden and unacceptable motives.

Thomas Samuel Kuhn (1922–1996) was an American historian and philosopher of science. According to Kuhn, scientific knowledge develops in leaps and bounds, through scientific revolutions.

Gabrielle Dee (Gabby) Giffords (Gabrielle Dee “Gabby” Giffords, born 1970) is a politician and statesman, former member of the US House of Representatives, the third woman in Arizona history to be elected to the US Congress. On January 8, 2011, during a public event in Tucson, Arizona, Giffords was severely shot in the head. She underwent several severe neurosurgical interventions (part of the skull was removed and reimplanted after recovery) and was discharged from the clinic six months later. August 1, 2011 Giffords appeared in Congress: she was greeted with prolonged applause.

We have two brains: one wants well, and the other is desperately resisting in an attempt to maintain the status quo. The "Conscious Self" can make mistakes, but all the troubles fall on our head through the fault of the "involuntary Self". We must train our "involuntary self" to make wiser unconscious decisions.

depressive realism

All study participants were given joysticks and sat down to play a video game on a monitor. They weren't told that the joysticks didn't actually work, and that the game was developing according to a random scenario. The most depressed students discovered this fact faster than others.

When the battery runs out

Make the defeat especially painful. Tell all your friends about your plans and constantly tell them about your progress towards the goal, for example on social networks. Ask your friends: as soon as they notice that you have stopped telling them about yourself, let them suspect something was wrong and ring all the bells.

At the finish line

In Vietnam, every soldier had a date of release from military service. As the last day of the war approached, the men began to worry: no one wanted to be killed or wounded a couple of steps from home. They lost their jungle survival skills and were more likely to die or be injured when their due date was very close.

Power of action

Actions help you think. Even an action that does not lead to any results provides new information and a fresh perspective. Action helps you feel better about yourself. Action brings good luck. Action reveals our resistance. Action helps mobilize your feelings.

Psychological fitness

The brain creates new connections and strengthens them when you exercise. The more you practice self-control, the easier it becomes. The psychic gym is bearing fruit, we just need to visit it more often.